Features

Sausage Life

The column which believes that although Cod does exist, some chips are fake  MYSELF: Brexit is beginning to feel like a painful case of recurring haemorrhoids. I sense that we are all about to be engulfed by an avalanche of…
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Sausage Life

The column which thinks that facts are merely irritating obstacles blocking the road to truth MYSELF: I’m trying to find out who are the world’s most punchable people. That is to say, those whose ubiquitous inventions are neither use nor…
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Sausage Life

The column which thinks that in a desert, even a mirage is a relief READER: So what did you do for Valentine’s Day?MYSELF: Oh, the usual. The night before, I had my friend Banksy stencil a satirical depiction of the…
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Sausage Life

The column which demands a return to uncivilised values THE CARNIVORE IS OVERAn enterprising vegan butcher has opened a pop-up shop in Silverhill. Stanislav Waikiki’s Meat is Manslaughter will sell a range of items, including vegan pork chops, vegan sheep’s…
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Sausage Life

The column which, without proper maintenance, would collapse under the weight of its own self-importance. WARRIORS RISE FROM THE ASHES Since the humiliating departure of no-nonsense shoot-from-the-hip, messiah complex manager Franco Machiavelli, widely blamed for Hastings & St Leonards Warriors…
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Satire

Sausage Life

The column which thinks Christmas should be not seen and not heard READER: I will ignore that shallow humbuggery, I’m looking forward to it. Are you having Christmas dinner at home this year? MYSELF: Christmas dinner in? Are you mad?…
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Sausage Life!

The column which avoids metaphor because when you are trying to sell someone a rudderless ship, it’s best not to mention the leaky lifeboats READER: Black Friday! I’m so excited! MYSELF: I imagine you are. What kind of bargain are…
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Sausage Life!

The column that maintains that any resemblance between it and real life is purely coincidental READER:  Isn’t it great that the new Doctor Who is a woman? MYSELF:  Yes, in the same way I think it is great that Popeye’s…
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Sausage Life!

By Bird Guano The column which frequently looks at gift horses, but not necessarily in the mouth MYSELF: Have you ever had PPI? READER: As a matter of fact I have. A particularly bad strain as it happens, which tends…
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Features

Sausage Life!

The column whose terms apply but not its conditions MYSELF: My first is in peanuts but not in custard… READER: Oh I love these brain teasers. MYSELF: I know. My second isin Spain but not in READER: Not in algebra?…
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