Author Archives: Bird Guano
Sausage Life
Bird Guano The column which believes there is only a fine line between mumbo and jumbo READER: I can’t take much more of thisMYSELF: More of what? The heat? The…
Sausage life
The column which thinks that Kanye West is to music what Donald Trump is to truth MYSELF: Don’t you find it immensely depressing that we are surrounded by people staring…
Sausage Life
The column which, until yesterday, had a statue of Lord Nelson on top READER: Well what do you expect? Everyone knows that Horatio Nelson was an unlicensed chicken breeder who…
Sausage Life
The column that believes impatience is rewarding. READER: Wow, I hear you won the lottery, how much?MYSELF: I’d rather not say. I ticked the “no publicity” box, so only The…
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The column that isn’t afraid to go shopping in pyjamas READER: I want to be the new slogan : You? What makes you think you would qualify?READER: Come on, it…
Sausage Life
The column which sings “People, people who say ‘sheeple’, are the sheepiest people in the world”. READER: I stopped washing my : Why so?READER: Hair dryers. David Icke says they…
Sausage Life
The column that will explode in thirty seconds, twenty-nine, twenty-eight…. I’m only speaking to people via Zoom now. It’s brilliant, have you tried it? READER: Can you hear me?MYSELF: I…
Sausage Life
The column which believes that hugs and squeezes spread diseases MYSELF: A-tishooo!READER: Stay where you are! I’m a police officer! Just put the gun down and hold your hands out…
Sausage Life
The column in which terms apply, but not : What’s up? You look as though you’ve swallowed a : I’ve been listening to commercial radio. I’m going to track down…
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The column which beats as it sweeps as it cleans GLOBAL WARNING?The continent of Australia, already devastated by unprecedented bush fires, is now apparently on the brink of running out…
Sausage Life
The column which mumbles incoherently in order to get away with murder. READER: I know we agreed never to discuss religious matters on here…MYSELF: Or : …but as a recovering…
Sausage Life
The column which throws stones even though it lives in a glass house READER: Happy New Year!MYSELF: For whom?READER: What’s up now, Dr. Doom?MYSELF: Er…the election result?READER: Oh the election!…
Sausage Life
The column which believes that marzipan is from Mars and vermicelli is from Venus MYSELF: Blimey, have you seen the pier lately? It’s turning into a : Are you referring…
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The column that puts its brolly up even though it isn’t raining READER: I see Boris is finally getting his point across at : In what way exactly is the…
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The column which reserves the right to record your calls for training porpoises READER: Whoops! Bit of a typo there!MYSELF: What do you mean?READER: Up there, under your name. Porpoises.…
Sausage Life
The column that self inflates, but is difficult to get back in the bag MYSELF: What are you doing up there?READER: I’m conducting an : Well seeing as you’re on…
Sausage Life
The column that thinks Fifty Shades of Grey is what dogs see when they are trying to choose paint in Farrow & Ball READER: What sign are you?MYSELF: I’m a…
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The column that believes in the right to wear a hat, even when it is unnecessary WARRIOR’S WOESNewly relegated Hastings & St Leonards Warriors were beaten 8-0 away by Cockmarlin…
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The column that thinks there’s nothing beats a good cigar after a bit of arson MYSELF: How do you feel about the EU, now that we’re in the middle of…
Sausage Life
The column that thinks shorting the pound is the new yoga MYSELF: A friend of mine told me a very good joke the other : A joke! Excellent! I love…
Sausage Life
The column that suspects there may not necessarily be a German word for everything (Möglicherweisegibtesnicht füralleseindeutscheswort) AHEM“Haverstock House was a splendid, regal, crumbling Elizabethan pile. Although her intimidating towers stood…
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The column which puts the bubble in your squeak and then bursts it. MYSELF: I assume you applied your Keith Richards mascara, clipped a parrot on your shoulder and walked…
Sausage Life
The column that went to Glastonbury in a brand-new Mercedes with a four storey air-conditioned yurt READER: So, you’re back from Glastonbury. How was it?MYSELF: Underwhelming. So much miming. Can’t…
Sausage Life
The column which thinks that averting the eyes is the new staring BRAINWAVEFollowing his innovative scheme for replacing the seeds in raspberry jam with shredded bus tickets, Hastings inventor Gordon…
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The column which thinks that buffoonery is the last refuge of the failed dictator READER: Did you see the Eurovision Song Contest? We came last!MYSELF: No. I was busy watching…
Sausage Life
The column which says you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose READER: You should be : About what?READER: Issue…
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The column which believes that in the country of the bland, the one-idea’d man is king READER: Did you see the amazing photo of the black hole?MYSELF: I saw it.…
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The column which believes that what you lack in empathy you can more than make up for with spiteful malice MYSELF: Why the short face? READER: I’m so excited I can’t…
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The column which believes that although Cod does exist, some chips are fake MYSELF: Brexit is beginning to feel like a painful case of recurring haemorrhoids. I sense that we…
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The column which thinks that facts are merely irritating obstacles blocking the road to truth MYSELF: I’m trying to find out who are the world’s most punchable people. That is…
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The column which thinks that in a desert, even a mirage is a relief READER: So what did you do for Valentine’s Day?MYSELF: Oh, the usual. The night before, I…
Sausage Life
The column which demands a return to uncivilised values THE CARNIVORE IS OVERAn enterprising vegan butcher has opened a pop-up shop in Silverhill. Stanislav Waikiki’s Meat is Manslaughter will sell…
Sausage Life
The column which, without proper maintenance, would collapse under the weight of its own self-importance. WARRIORS RISE FROM THE ASHES Since the humiliating departure of no-nonsense shoot-from-the-hip, messiah complex manager…
Sausage Life
The column which thinks Christmas should be not seen and not heard READER: I will ignore that shallow humbuggery, I’m looking forward to it. Are you having Christmas dinner at…
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The column which avoids metaphor because when you are trying to sell someone a rudderless ship, it’s best not to mention the leaky lifeboats READER: Black Friday! I’m so excited!…
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The column that maintains that any resemblance between it and real life is purely coincidental READER: Isn’t it great that the new Doctor Who is a woman? MYSELF: Yes, in…
Sausage Life!
By Bird Guano The column which frequently looks at gift horses, but not necessarily in the mouth MYSELF: Have you ever had PPI? READER: As a matter of fact I…
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The column whose terms apply but not its conditions MYSELF: My first is in peanuts but not in custard… READER: Oh I love these brain teasers. MYSELF: I know. My…
Sausage Life!
BY Bird Guano The column which leaps before it looks READER: I suppose, like the rest of us, you’ve been glued to Killing Eve. Who did you think did the….…
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The column which believes that life is a journey, but often the services have unsatisfactory toilet facilities READER: What about Theresa then? MYSELF: What about her? READER: What else? The…