Features

Sausage Life

The column which says you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose READER: You should be : About what?READER: Issue 125. Picking on Nigel Farage : You mean the bit…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which believes that in the country of the bland, the one-idea’d man is king READER: Did you see the amazing photo of the black hole?MYSELF:  I saw it. A very good : Oh come on, don’t pretend you’re…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which believes that what you lack in empathy you can more than make up for with spiteful malice  MYSELF: Why the short face? READER: I’m so excited I can’t wait. I’ve just taken out a subscription to Sky TV’s…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which believes that although Cod does exist, some chips are fake  MYSELF: Brexit is beginning to feel like a painful case of recurring haemorrhoids. I sense that we are all about to be engulfed by an avalanche of…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which thinks that facts are merely irritating obstacles blocking the road to truth MYSELF: I’m trying to find out who are the world’s most punchable people. That is to say, those whose ubiquitous inventions are neither use nor…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which thinks that in a desert, even a mirage is a relief READER: So what did you do for Valentine’s Day?MYSELF: Oh, the usual. The night before, I had my friend Banksy stencil a satirical depiction of the…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which demands a return to uncivilised values THE CARNIVORE IS OVERAn enterprising vegan butcher has opened a pop-up shop in Silverhill. Stanislav Waikiki’s Meat is Manslaughter will sell a range of items, including vegan pork chops, vegan sheep’s…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which, without proper maintenance, would collapse under the weight of its own self-importance. WARRIORS RISE FROM THE ASHES Since the humiliating departure of no-nonsense shoot-from-the-hip, messiah complex manager Franco Machiavelli, widely blamed for Hastings & St Leonards Warriors…
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Satire

Sausage Life

The column which thinks Christmas should be not seen and not heard READER: I will ignore that shallow humbuggery, I’m looking forward to it. Are you having Christmas dinner at home this year? MYSELF: Christmas dinner in? Are you mad?…
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Features

Sausage Life!

The column which avoids metaphor because when you are trying to sell someone a rudderless ship, it’s best not to mention the leaky lifeboats READER: Black Friday! I’m so excited! MYSELF: I imagine you are. What kind of bargain are…
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