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Sausage Life

The column which, until yesterday, had a statue of Lord Nelson on top  READER: Well what do you expect? Everyone knows that Horatio Nelson was an unlicensed chicken breeder who bought his title from the same place as that bloke…
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Satire

Sausage Life

The column that believes impatience is rewarding. READER: Wow, I hear you won the lottery, how much?MYSELF: I’d rather not say. I ticked the “no publicity” box, so only The Mail, The Sun, The Daily Sport, and Hello magazine know…
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Features

Sausage Life!

The column that isn’t afraid to go shopping in pyjamas READER: I want to be the new slogan : You? What makes you think you would qualify?READER: Come on, it can’t be that difficult. I mean Stay Alert?MYSELF: Go on…
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Satire

Sausage Life

The column which sings “People, people who say ‘sheeple’, are the sheepiest people in the world”. READER: I stopped washing my : Why so?READER: Hair dryers. David Icke says they are super-efficient Covid 19 transmitters, especially the Bluetooth ones manufactured…
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Satire

Sausage Life

The column that will explode in thirty seconds, twenty-nine, twenty-eight…. I’m only speaking to people via Zoom now. It’s brilliant, have you tried it? READER: Can you hear me?MYSELF: I can’t hear you. Press the mic : Press the what…
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Satire

Sausage Life

The column which believes that hugs and squeezes spread diseases MYSELF: A-tishooo!READER: Stay where you are! I’m a police officer! Just put the gun down and hold your hands out where I can see them!MYSELF:  Aren’t you overreacting? I only…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column in which terms apply, but not : What’s up? You look as though you’ve swallowed a : I’ve been listening to commercial radio. I’m going to track down and throttle the next actor I hear talking like they’ve…
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Features

Sausage Life!

The column which beats as it sweeps as it cleans GLOBAL WARNING?The continent of Australia, already devastated by unprecedented bush fires, is now apparently on the brink of running out of question marks. Our antipodean correspondent Kylie O’Reilly spoke to…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which mumbles incoherently in order to get away with murder. READER: I know we agreed never to discuss religious matters on here…MYSELF: Or : …but as a recovering Catholic, do you approve of women bishops?MYSELF: No, I am…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which throws stones even though it lives in a glass house READER: Happy New Year!MYSELF:  For whom?READER: What’s up now, Dr. Doom?MYSELF:  Er…the election result?READER: Oh the election! I’d quite forgotten about that! Anyway, have you seen Cats…
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