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Sausage Life

The column that went to Glastonbury in a brand-new Mercedes with a four storey air-conditioned yurt READER: So, you’re back from Glastonbury. How was it?MYSELF: Underwhelming. So much miming. Can’t people play anymore?READER: Miming?MYSELF: Yes, and I’m not talking about…
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Sausage Life

The column which thinks that averting the eyes is the new staring BRAINWAVEFollowing his innovative scheme for replacing the seeds in raspberry jam with shredded bus tickets, Hastings inventor Gordon Thinktank’s ingenious new idea is to line overcoats with bear…
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Sausage Life

The column which thinks that buffoonery is the last refuge of the failed dictator READER: Did you see the Eurovision Song Contest? We came last!MYSELF: No. I was busy watching some drying paint. READER:  You don’t approve, I take : As…
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Sausage Life

The column which says you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose READER: You should be : About what?READER: Issue 125. Picking on Nigel Farage : You mean the bit…
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Sausage Life

The column which believes that in the country of the bland, the one-idea’d man is king READER: Did you see the amazing photo of the black hole?MYSELF:  I saw it. A very good : Oh come on, don’t pretend you’re…
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Sausage Life

The column which believes that what you lack in empathy you can more than make up for with spiteful malice  MYSELF: Why the short face? READER: I’m so excited I can’t wait. I’ve just taken out a subscription to Sky TV’s…
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Sausage Life

The column which believes that although Cod does exist, some chips are fake  MYSELF: Brexit is beginning to feel like a painful case of recurring haemorrhoids. I sense that we are all about to be engulfed by an avalanche of…
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Sausage Life

The column which thinks that facts are merely irritating obstacles blocking the road to truth MYSELF: I’m trying to find out who are the world’s most punchable people. That is to say, those whose ubiquitous inventions are neither use nor…
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Sausage Life

The column which thinks that in a desert, even a mirage is a relief READER: So what did you do for Valentine’s Day?MYSELF: Oh, the usual. The night before, I had my friend Banksy stencil a satirical depiction of the…
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Sausage Life

The column which demands a return to uncivilised values THE CARNIVORE IS OVERAn enterprising vegan butcher has opened a pop-up shop in Silverhill. Stanislav Waikiki’s Meat is Manslaughter will sell a range of items, including vegan pork chops, vegan sheep’s…
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