Sausage Life
Bird Guano
The column which believes there is only a fine line between mumbo and jumbo
READER: I can’t take much more of this
MYSELF: More of what? The heat? The lockdown? The government?
READER: War and Peace. It’s so bloody long! And I’ve only got a week left in Malaga.
MYSELF: Never mind, you’ll have 14 days of quarantine to catch up. Anyway, Comrade Tolstoy was never in my top ten list of short story writers. As a beach-read, War and Peace fails on many levels.
READER: Tell me about it! All those unpronounceable Russian names and places with backwards writing which are now called something else. And that’s before we even get to the weight.
MYSELF: Maybe you should try something lighter. Have you read Don Seconali’s Tales of The Expected?
READER: That sounds right up my street! Is it full of amazing and intriguing facts which will boggle my mind and cause me to approach life from an entirely different philosophical angle?
MYSELF: Possibly not. But here are some of the reviews:
“Not since Aristotle has the joyless celebration of dull inevitability been so unsurprisingly realised.”
OTTO TERRARIUM, Madrid Racing Times
“Tales of the Expected is a towering inferno of predictability. The omission of a twist at the end is a masterstroke.”
PABLO EL COÑO, El Diario de la Tontería
“Seconali takes the sur out of surreal and the extra out of extraordinary…”
ROBERTO CASCARINI, Il Tora Merda, Milan
MYSELF: What do you reckon?
READER: Perfect. I’ve just ordered it on Kindle.
20/21 SEASON KICKS OFF
Warriors hail Italian’s ‘second coming
Recently relegated Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC will begin their 2020/21 season in the Hobson’s Denture Fixative League with a heavily depleted squad, having lost pink-booted Bosnian midfield dynamo Glaxo Zog and centre back
bone- cruncher Nobby Balaclava to arch rivals, Hercemonceaux Cannibals. Popular Italian manager Giovanni Foctivano (The Goalfather), who delighted Warriors fans when he decided to return to the newly demoted club after being sacked in 2016, said he was confident that the squad would be in decent shape for the new season’s debut game against Cockmarlin Thunderbolts; “The current crop of injuries, coupled with the four year ban on Craig Cattermole for concealing a knife in his jockstrap have done us no favours. I would rather not comment on the alleged scandal involving goalkeeper Paul Smeaton and curvy club physiotherapist and former lap dancer Sabrina Petto-Massiccio, but I have known the man for many years now, and I can tell you that Paul is thoroughly decent and very happily married, unlike his estranged wife Maureen. In conclusion, going forward, it’s my intention to Make The Warriors Great Again. A baseball cap emblazoned with the MWGA logo will shortly be available at the Merchandise Store, price £39.99. As for my personal and deeply held philosophy of combining pure exciting football with a solid winning strategy, let me assure our fans that nothing will change apart from the defence and attack. As far as crowd attendance goes, Covid-19 won’t really affect us. My players are professionals, and quite accustomed to playing in front of empty stadiums.”
IS 5G FROM OUTER SPACE?
As the daily avalanche of evidence accumulates, can we really afford to ignore the obvious signs of extra-terrestrial interference in our communication systems? Many independent science-based think-tanks such as the Cambridge Institute For The Study Of Advanced Theology and the Sunderland Premonition Centre, have willingly shared their shock findings on social media. Dr Eric von Daniken, chairman of the Society for the Interstellar Repatriation of Aliens andauthor of Chariots of The Gods, explained: “Anyone who, like me, has spent years studying the architecture of Mexico, Peru and the rest of the ancient Inca civilisations cannot fail to see that 5G masts are identical to the beacons which lined the Incan landing strips used by alien spaceships when they visited Earth and peopled the South American continent thousands of years ago. That is an indisputable fact which has been confirmed by internationally recognised extra-terrestrial scientists and government employed tin-foil hat suppliers. For those still in any doubt, the detailed drawings which illustrate my latest book Chariot of the Gods 5G, (Sledgehammer & Knutte, £15.99) make this abundantly clear.
Bob Spoonbender, British spokesman for 5G specialists Huawei told us: “Frankly, barmy fantasists like Eric Von Daniken are the least of our worries. All over China customer service staff are resigning in droves because of the stress which they say is caused by the amount of Geordie prank calls. They pick up the phone as instructed and say “Huwei”, but are greeted with gales of laughter and cries of “Why aye man! Howay the Lads!”, which, unfortunately, phonetically resembles a coarse Chinese insult so base and disgusting, it causes many of them to spontaneously burst into flames.”
Sausage Life!
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