Features

Sausage Life

The column which, without proper maintenance, would collapse under the weight of its own self-importance. WARRIORS RISE FROM THE ASHES Since the humiliating departure of no-nonsense shoot-from-the-hip, messiah complex manager Franco Machiavelli, widely blamed for Hastings & St Leonards Warriors…
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Satire

Sausage Life

The column which thinks Christmas should be not seen and not heard READER: I will ignore that shallow humbuggery, I’m looking forward to it. Are you having Christmas dinner at home this year? MYSELF: Christmas dinner in? Are you mad?…
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Features

Sausage Life!

The column which avoids metaphor because when you are trying to sell someone a rudderless ship, it’s best not to mention the leaky lifeboats READER: Black Friday! I’m so excited! MYSELF: I imagine you are. What kind of bargain are…
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Features

Sausage Life!

The column that maintains that any resemblance between it and real life is purely coincidental READER:  Isn’t it great that the new Doctor Who is a woman? MYSELF:  Yes, in the same way I think it is great that Popeye’s…
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Features

Sausage Life!

By Bird Guano The column which frequently looks at gift horses, but not necessarily in the mouth MYSELF: Have you ever had PPI? READER: As a matter of fact I have. A particularly bad strain as it happens, which tends…
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Features

Sausage Life!

The column whose terms apply but not its conditions MYSELF: My first is in peanuts but not in custard… READER: Oh I love these brain teasers. MYSELF: I know. My second isin Spain but not in READER: Not in algebra?…
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Satire

Sausage Life!

BY Bird Guano The column which leaps before it looks READER: I suppose, like the rest of us, you’ve been glued to Killing Eve. Who did you think did the…. MYSELF: Sorry, can I stop you there? READER: What? Why?…
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Features

Sausage Life

BY Bird Guano The column which makes its bed but often forgets to lie in it ROGUE STARLING IN SHARK ATTACK READER:  That’s a ridiculous headline. Where are you going to go with that? MYSELF:  The trouble with you is,…
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Features

Sausage life

The column which believes that life is a journey, but often the services have unsatisfactory toilet facilities READER: What about Theresa then? MYSELF: What about her? READER: What else? The dancing! What a revelation! MYSELF:  Ah yes, quite breathtaking, in…
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Features

Sausage Life

BY Bird Guano The column which wanders lonely as a cloud, but never seems to come across any daffodils. READER:  have you seen the new zoo? MYSELF:  Zoo? READER:  Yes. On the pier. MYSELF:  Have you taken leave of your…
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