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Satire

Sausage Life

Bird Guano  The column which believes that reshuffling a sack of rattlesnakes makes little difference to your chances of being bitten. MYSELF: Did you see that big Chinook military helicopter flying over yesterday like a wounded dragonfly?READER: Yes! It was…
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Satire

Sausage Life

The column that believes impatience is rewarding. READER: Wow, I hear you won the lottery, how much?MYSELF: I’d rather not say. I ticked the “no publicity” box, so only The Mail, The Sun, The Daily Sport, and Hello magazine know…
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Satire

Sausage Life

The column which believes that hugs and squeezes spread diseases MYSELF: A-tishooo!READER: Stay where you are! I’m a police officer! Just put the gun down and hold your hands out where I can see them!MYSELF:  Aren’t you overreacting? I only…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column in which terms apply, but not : What’s up? You look as though you’ve swallowed a : I’ve been listening to commercial radio. I’m going to track down and throttle the next actor I hear talking like they’ve…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column that went to Glastonbury in a brand-new Mercedes with a four storey air-conditioned yurt READER: So, you’re back from Glastonbury. How was it?MYSELF: Underwhelming. So much miming. Can’t people play anymore?READER: Miming?MYSELF: Yes, and I’m not talking about…
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Features

Sausage Life

Bird GuanoThe column that resembles one of the holy saints dressed as a wolf in sheep’s clothing READER: Who impressed you the most then?MYSELF: Mohammed Ali, The Beatles, Martin Luther King……READER: No, I’m talking about the Tory leadership : Impressed…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which is both charming and offensive at the same time READER: Goodbye spring, hello summer!MYSELF: Really? Where?READER: Weren’t you out celebrating Jack in the Green?MYSELF: If, by celebrating, you mean sneaking up on Morris Men and stealing the…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which believes that what you lack in empathy you can more than make up for with spiteful malice  MYSELF: Why the short face? READER: I’m so excited I can’t wait. I’ve just taken out a subscription to Sky TV’s…
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