Features

Sausage Life

The column which is both charming and offensive at the same time READER: Goodbye spring, hello summer!MYSELF: Really? Where?READER: Weren’t you out celebrating Jack in the Green?MYSELF: If, by celebrating, you mean sneaking up on Morris Men and stealing the…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which believes that what you lack in empathy you can more than make up for with spiteful malice  MYSELF: Why the short face? READER: I’m so excited I can’t wait. I’ve just taken out a subscription to Sky TV’s…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which thinks that in a desert, even a mirage is a relief READER: So what did you do for Valentine’s Day?MYSELF: Oh, the usual. The night before, I had my friend Banksy stencil a satirical depiction of the…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which asks: why aren’t children allowed to join the House of Commons straight from school? READER: I thought they already : It was a rhetorical question. MYTHBUSTERSThe truth behind some popular misconceptions  MYTH: Money is an essential ingredient…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which demands a return to uncivilised values THE CARNIVORE IS OVERAn enterprising vegan butcher has opened a pop-up shop in Silverhill. Stanislav Waikiki’s Meat is Manslaughter will sell a range of items, including vegan pork chops, vegan sheep’s…
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Features

Sausage Life

The column which, without proper maintenance, would collapse under the weight of its own self-importance. WARRIORS RISE FROM THE ASHES Since the humiliating departure of no-nonsense shoot-from-the-hip, messiah complex manager Franco Machiavelli, widely blamed for Hastings & St Leonards Warriors…
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Satire

Sausage Life

The column which thinks Christmas should be not seen and not heard READER: I will ignore that shallow humbuggery, I’m looking forward to it. Are you having Christmas dinner at home this year? MYSELF: Christmas dinner in? Are you mad?…
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Sausage Life!

The column which avoids metaphor because when you are trying to sell someone a rudderless ship, it’s best not to mention the leaky lifeboats READER: Black Friday! I’m so excited! MYSELF: I imagine you are. What kind of bargain are…
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Features

Sausage Life!

The column that maintains that any resemblance between it and real life is purely coincidental READER:  Isn’t it great that the new Doctor Who is a woman? MYSELF:  Yes, in the same way I think it is great that Popeye’s…
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Features

Sausage Life!

By Bird Guano The column which frequently looks at gift horses, but not necessarily in the mouth MYSELF: Have you ever had PPI? READER: As a matter of fact I have. A particularly bad strain as it happens, which tends…
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