Archives for Satire - Page 3
Sausage Life!
The column that believes in the right to wear a hat, even when it is unnecessary WARRIOR’S WOESNewly relegated Hastings & St Leonards Warriors were beaten 8-0 away by Cockmarlin…
Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
FULFILLING THE AIRHEAD QUOTANever let anyone tell you that the Tories are a party of misogynistic throwbacks. Now that slippery yes-woman Home Secretary Priti “Vacant” Patel and Minister for Evasion…
Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
I DON’T NORMALLY READ THIS NEWSPAPER BUT…Perhaps we were short on content, but it appears that we have now decided to publish things because “they didn’t think we would” (LEAVING…
Sausage Life!
The column that thinks there’s nothing beats a good cigar after a bit of arson MYSELF: How do you feel about the EU, now that we’re in the middle of…
Sausage Life
The column that thinks shorting the pound is the new yoga MYSELF: A friend of mine told me a very good joke the other : A joke! Excellent! I love…
Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
HOW TO IGNORE PRAGMATISM AND STAMPEDE OVER THE CLIFF LIKE PROPER LEMMINGSSince the UK’s quiet little right-wing coup has taken over Downing Street, we have noticed an alarming trend in online…
Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
HAIR HITLERIf you don’t recognise the boiling resentment of 1933 Germany being reflected in this evil gang of swivel-eyed villains, the engineers of a coup that has just taken over…
Sausage Life
The column that suspects there may not necessarily be a German word for everything (Möglicherweisegibtesnicht füralleseindeutscheswort) AHEM“Haverstock House was a splendid, regal, crumbling Elizabethan pile. Although her intimidating towers stood…
Sausage Life!
The column which puts the bubble in your squeak and then bursts it. MYSELF: I assume you applied your Keith Richards mascara, clipped a parrot on your shoulder and walked…
Politikal Pokes by Lobbytroll
POSTMAN PATTERLike good Catholic infants reciting their rote-learned catechism without the slightest idea of what it means, the MEPs of the Brexit Party (The Alliance of the Terminally Thick), asserted…
Sausage Life
The column that went to Glastonbury in a brand-new Mercedes with a four storey air-conditioned yurt READER: So, you’re back from Glastonbury. How was it?MYSELF: Underwhelming. So much miming. Can’t…
Politikal Pokes By Lobbytroll
BORIS’S DEAD CAT Anyone for PM? Champion of the low-income obese Boris Johnson has been reduced, in the absence of any discernible policies which are not dog-whistle soundbites, to ridiculous non…
Sausage Life
Bird GuanoThe column that resembles one of the holy saints dressed as a wolf in sheep’s clothing READER: Who impressed you the most then?MYSELF: Mohammed Ali, The Beatles, Martin Luther…
Politikal Pokes by Lobbytroll
THE BIG FIGHTThe ghastly stiffs engaged in the tory leadership contest have gradually been eliminated. Now only slab of lard Boris Johnson and pale glass of mineral water Jeremy Hunt…
Politikal Pokes By Lobbytroll
CHEERSXenophobe and enemy of the NHS, Nigel Farage, has been comparatively quiet during the 75th anniversary of D-Day, a remarkable feat of taciturnity for a man whose wide beer-hole is…
Sausage Life
The column which thinks that averting the eyes is the new staring BRAINWAVEFollowing his innovative scheme for replacing the seeds in raspberry jam with shredded bus tickets, Hastings inventor Gordon…
Sausage Life
The column which thinks that buffoonery is the last refuge of the failed dictator READER: Did you see the Eurovision Song Contest? We came last!MYSELF: No. I was busy watching…
Sausage Life
The column which is both charming and offensive at the same time READER: Goodbye spring, hello summer!MYSELF: Really? Where?READER: Weren’t you out celebrating Jack in the Green?MYSELF: If, by celebrating,…
Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
DUMB AND DUMBERAccording to some polls, Nigel Farage’s hastily arranged Brexit Party is set to clean up at the EU election. Ghastly superannuated windbag Ann Widdecombe has come out of…
Politikal Pokes By Lobbytroll
I’M A POLITICIAN, VOTE ME OUT OF HEREFollowing the announcement from Nissan that they are pulling out of their agreement to produce the X Trail car at their Sunderland factory,…
Sausage Life
The column which says you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose READER: You should be : About what?READER: Issue…
Sausage Life
The column which believes that in the country of the bland, the one-idea’d man is king READER: Did you see the amazing photo of the black hole?MYSELF: I saw it.…
Politikal Pokes By Lobbytroll
IT’S THE STUPIDITY, STUPIDAs embarrassing to the UK as Brexit is, nothing causes foreign visitors’ jaws to drop more than the flag-draped, cerebrally challenged rabble currently camped outside the Houses…
Sausage Life
The column which believes that what you lack in empathy you can more than make up for with spiteful malice MYSELF: Why the short face? READER: I’m so excited I can’t…
Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
GROUNDHOG MAYThe Prime Minister’s re-presenting of her vilified “deal” for a third time, with a fourth possibly on the horizon, appears to confirm Einstein’s edict: Insanity is doing the same…
Sausage Life
The column which believes that although Cod does exist, some chips are fake MYSELF: Brexit is beginning to feel like a painful case of recurring haemorrhoids. I sense that we…
Politikal Pokes by Lobbytroll
FROG MARCHNigel Farage, desperately channelling the Jarrow marchers of 1936, put up a message on his Facebook page accompanied by a photo of him in his used car salesman coat…
Sausage Life
The column which thinks that facts are merely irritating obstacles blocking the road to truth MYSELF: I’m trying to find out who are the world’s most punchable people. That is…
Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME IT’S A COMMODITYHastings Borough Council and the admirable Surviving Streets UK are working in partnership so they can use Churchwood House as offices and a base…
Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
A QUESTION OF TRUSSA few years ago, a tear in the fabric of the space-time continuum occurred, and through this portal fell Liz Truss, former resident of a parallel universe.…
Sausage Life
The column which thinks that in a desert, even a mirage is a relief READER: So what did you do for Valentine’s Day?MYSELF: Oh, the usual. The night before, I…
Sausage Life
The column which asks: why aren’t children allowed to join the House of Commons straight from school? READER: I thought they already : It was a rhetorical question. MYTHBUSTERSThe truth…
Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
BERTS OF A FEATHEROn January 26th there was a meeting between Amber Rudd and all interested parties concerning the extended closure of Hastings pier. At the meeting, pier owner Mr…
Sausage Life
The column which demands a return to uncivilised values THE CARNIVORE IS OVERAn enterprising vegan butcher has opened a pop-up shop in Silverhill. Stanislav Waikiki’s Meat is Manslaughter will sell…
Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
BOOZING FOR BREXITIn an attempt to blind us with the science of words, cheap beer magnate Tim Martin made the Hastings branch of Wetherspoons (Trip Advisor’s “third worst Wetherspoons in…
Sausage Life
The column which, without proper maintenance, would collapse under the weight of its own self-importance. WARRIORS RISE FROM THE ASHES Since the humiliating departure of no-nonsense shoot-from-the-hip, messiah complex manager…
Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
NO-SEE TV Hastings pier, as well as being a fibreglass Noah’s Ark and home of the biggest chain store charm bracelet in the world, is like a wind farm, except…
Sausage Life
The column which thinks Christmas should be not seen and not heard READER: I will ignore that shallow humbuggery, I’m looking forward to it. Are you having Christmas dinner at…
Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WORKHOUSE AND PENSIONS Has our cling-on MP Amber Rudd no sense of shame? This Dickensian government appears determined to inflict its Oliver Twist values on a…
Sausage Life!
The column which avoids metaphor because when you are trying to sell someone a rudderless ship, it’s best not to mention the leaky lifeboats READER: Black Friday! I’m so excited!…