The Bank Job
The Hastings Independent eavesdrops on two conversations concerning Britain’s penal policy.
Scene 1. Whitehall. The New Prisons Minister – Edward Argar meets his Permanent Secretary Antonia Romeo.
Antonia: Yes minister, you’re right, we do have to do something about prison overcrowding. But what exactly do you suggest?
Edward: Well, if they are absolutely chock-a-block full, we’ll have to build some more. Or release some of the lags that are there…
Antonia: Well there certainly isn’t any money to build more jails. We can’t even afford to replace the schools and hospitals that are collapsing because of dodgy concrete. And I’m not sure the cabinet will agree to release criminals. They’re rather more in favour of the ‘bang ‘em up and throw away the key’ approach.
Edward: How about we give an early exeat to the white collar fellas. You know – those that don’t go round robbing banks at gunpoint or murdering young women. I read somewhere that nearly 5% of the prison population were there for fraud. That’s over six thousand people. We could let them out, couldn’t we?
Scene 2. A dingy pub in Hastings.
Ronnie: Yer know, times are changing and we need to change with them.
Regie: Whaja mean?
Ronnie: Well, there’s no point in robbin’ banks these days, they don’t seem to carry cash anymore. I fink we should get into fraud … that’s the new fing. And I read there’s only a one in three thousand chance of doin’ porridge for fraud.
Regie: Good idea that. How do we go about it?
Ronnie: Well, you send out an email saying you’re from the Bahamas Tourist Board, and if people will just give you their bank account details, you’ll give them a free holiday to Nassau.
Regie: Won’t that cost us a lot of dosh, paying for people’s holidays?
Ronnie: No you idjit, we’re not going to give them anything, just pretend we will so as to get their personal details.
Regie: Sounds like a good scheme. But what’s an email?
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