OPINION: Dumb Catch 22
Nick Pelling on this Year’s Dishonours List
Welcome to the HIP 2022 accolades for monstrous egotism, silliness and stupidity: yes, it’s the incredible MESS awards. There have been some startling late entries, courtesy of Ginni Infantino and some chap called Ye. But here are the final results.
The Very Silly Award (VSA) goes to the Radio 4 presenter, Emma Campbell. Emma opened her wireless programme, ‘On Your Farm,’ with these comments: “wow, wow, that is some view, isn’t it?” She was asking us to appreciate the hills of Larne as they swept down to the sea. But this was radio. Unbeatably silly.
The competition for the Big Arrogant Bastard of the Year award, known affectionately as the BABY award, was hotly contested. There were three that ran close. Second place went to Bernard Looney, the Boss of BP, for his hilarious boast that his company had now become a “cash machine.” His private income is estimated at about £4m per year, so it’s a big quite well done to him. But the clear winner was Boris Johnson’s Principal Private Secretary, Martin Reynolds, known as ‘Party Marty’ to his mates, who blurted out after the ‘partygate’ inquiries that “we seem to have got away with it.” Boris himself, who has made this award his own for so many years, trailed in third.
This year we had a category now known as the Brilliant but Almost Certainly Not True Award. Here the clear winner was Vera Guttenhaler. Dr Guttenhaller conducted some serious research at the University of Bonn Hospital and apparently came to the conclusion that seriously heavy drinking made old people “healthier and happier in later years.” This is the kind of science of which we need more. Never mind ‘Seven Seas’ multi-vits.
The award for Inexplicably High Flying Weirdo was also competitive. Liz Truss’s frozen smile, wooden hand movements and obsessive repetition of the word “delivery” certainly put her in contention. But she was pushed into third place by the shiny, happy gnome running FIFA, Ginni Infantino. His cryptic comments score highly on the weird scale: “Today I feel gay. Today I feel disabled. Today I feel a migrant worker.” Strangely, he omitted to mention that “Today I feel the Qatari cash in my trousers.” But the winner of the IHF Weirdo award must be the man-child Gavin Williamson. I mean SIR Gavin Williamson. His very possession of a knighthood means that he ticks the ‘inexplicable’ box in a flash. (Anyone know why he was knighted?) His weirdness cannot be easily summed up, but maybe his thoughtful alleged comment to a senior aide that they should “jump out of a window” just about sums up his suitability for high office.
This year we were forced to invent a new category: the Me, Me, Me, Me, Me Award. There can of course only be one winner of this. The omnipresent Matt Hancock. A man whose commitment to himself must surely be much appreciated by the sharply political farmers of his explosive West Suffolk constituency. Not content with pissing about on our screens for attention he has now published something called The Pandemic Diaries in which he likens his time as Health Secretary to being a national military hero. Here is his winning diary entry:
“a pandemic is an occupational hazard, as a war is to a soldier. To serve in this way was an honour.” Thank God for Matt, ever vigilant on the nation’s front line. And now, he has announced that he will not stand at the next election because he needs to find “new ways for ME to communicate with people.” What odds on the Matt Hancock Show?
The final category is the Award for Serious Stupidity. This was very nearly a tie. But, after no attempt at a recount, we decided that the result was as follows. The runner up was the gentleman now known as Ye. He used to be called Kanye West but he now prefers ‘Ye.’ Mr Ye has been on the Alex Jones programme in the USA giving us his views on the decline of the Weimar Republic and its replacement by the under-appreciated National Socialist German Workers Party. According to Mr Ye, “we gotta stop dissing the Nazis all the time.” He goes on to let us know that “there is a lot I love about Hitler.” I am sure you will agree that is a very strong entry for the award. Indeed, I feel that he could well go forward to the global stupidity awards, currently being held almost everywhere in the USA.
However, there is one runaway winner of the stupidity award. And that is his highness Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, fifth from the top of the royal pile. His resentful complaint that the Royals are “hierarchical” is a super-scorching stupid winner. The Royals…hierarchical? Who knew? It’s pure stupidity genius.
We hope you have enjoyed reading this article. The future of our volunteer led, non-profit publication would be far more secure with the aid of a small donation. You can also support local journalism by becoming a friend of HIP. It only takes a minute and we would be very grateful.
Leave a Reply