Sausage Life
The column which believes that humanity is at the axis of its palindromic noon, vertical, yet horizontal.
READER: I’m bored with self-isolation already.
MYSELF: I’m not surprised. You’re just going to have to put up with yourself until it’s safe to go out again.
READER: But there’s nothing to do! I mean, Corrie and ‘Enders have stopped production until further notice. What happens if they run out of episodes before this thing clears up?
MYSELF: That is precisely why I have prepared this handy list.
5 COVID-19 SELF ISOLATION TIPS
1. Do stuff you normally never get around to, like cutting your toenails or cataloguing all those squirrel photos in the loft.
2. Sew up the legs of old pyjama bottoms and use them for storing potatoes.
3. Superglue all your furniture to the ceiling and imagine you have been bitten by a radioactive spider.
4. Cut your old copies of HIP into neat squares and hang them on a string in the toilet.
5. Amuse your neighbours by knocking on the door and pretending to be a Jehovah’s Witness, or a bailiff.
POE-FACED
The Donald Trump anti-viral mask is now on sale. The realistic latex device, dubbed The Masque of the Orange Death, will be available at all branches of the recently renamed Tenpoundland, where supply will be strictly limited to 200 per person. Although it has been declared totally ineffective for preventing the transmission of COVID-19, doctors say that because the mask is so lifelike they have no hesitation in recommending it as a cheap and easy means of keeping other people at a safe distance.
CRUISE SHIP UPDATE:
The virus-stricken floating petri dish, SS Muchas Quarantinos, is still marooned in the Sargasso Sea, surrounded by plastic bags and shampoo bottles. Efforts to contact the Captain, Lars Vondervondervonder, have failed. The experienced Swedish seaman is thought to have ‘gone rogue’ and barricaded himself below with the ship’s entire stock of paté de fois gras, several whaling harpoons and a barrel of navy rum. It’s reported that tension between passengers and crew is now approaching snapping point. Herb Spangle, leader and trumpeter of ship’s band Los Spangleros managed to send this desperate plea by morse code from their besieged dressing room:
Entire band has mutinied and downed instruments after refusing to play I Will Survive a single time more. The passengers are turning ugly. We tried to take refuge in the hold, but Captain Vondervondervonder is drunk and refuses to open the door. Please send help.
PIER FLU
The owners, TatuLike Enter-tainments have announced that Upper Dicker Pier, the UK’s only inland marine structure, will self-isolate for seven days, following reports that the oddball attraction had shown symptoms “alarmingly similar” to COVID-19. Scientists think the virus probably originated in the pier’s famous herd of fibreglass animals, one of the many features the owners copied from Hastings Pier. “Using intensive research techniques involving satellite tracking and facial recognition software,” Dr Vincent Gene, a leading pier virologist told me, “we seem to have pretty much pinpointed the exact source of the infection. So far, all the evidence points to the life-size fibreglass Gnu with the gilded testicles. When we first arrived at the scene, we found the Gnu skulking listlessly behind a shed and immediately isolated it in a virus-proof cage until we could do further tests.” Asked whether it was safe for members of the public to approach the pier, Dr Gene advised, “Unless you are wearing a Make America Great Again Total Life Support Survivalist Suit, I would recommend crossing to the other side of the road. Corona is a devious, slippery virus which is more than capable of oozing through the bars of heavy gates – enormous padlocks and
CCTV cameras notwithstanding. I would also warn against strolling underneath the pier, because COVID-19, being heavier than air, is prone to drift over the side and accumulate in hidden pockets of the substructure below.”
A GAME OF NO HALVES
“It’s a tragedy’” tearful Hastings & St Leonards Warriors supremo Dick ‘The Clown’ Bozo told me, “which Shakespeare would have been proud of.” The ex-club comedian turned manager was referring, of course, to the FA’s advice to cancel all football until further notice, a cruel blow which only added to the club’s recent woes. “I was plucked from comedy circuit obscurity after Dom Cummings took over and sacked everybody except our two most valuable players” he sobbed, “I am sicker than a parrot and well under the moon. You couldn’t make it up. Trust me, unless we can manage to wangle a massive Saudi-style bail-out, this could be the end of The Warriors,.” He paused to light a cigarette, “The wage bill alone is enough to finish us off,” he coughed, “Nobby Balaclava and Craig Cattermole are both on over £100 a week. OK, all the newly-recruited players are on zero hours contracts, fair play to Dom, but unless things improve rapidly, grass-roots football is in real danger of going the same way as Bladderball or Foxtossing, a forgotten relic of the past played by rich intellectuals on shooting weekends.”
Sausage Life!
We hope you have enjoyed reading this article. The future of our volunteer led, non-profit publication would be far more secure with the aid of a small donation. You can also support local journalism by becoming a friend of HIP. It only takes a minute and we would be very grateful.
Leave a Reply