SATIE: Top Trumps
Boris, HIP’s spider-mole in Whitehall, recently recorded the following exchange at an office in Marsham Street and sent it to us to transcribe.
Sir Humphrey: Welcome to the Home Office, Prendy. I want you to take charge of Immigration Policy.
Prendergast Newboy: That should be fairly simple. The Home Sec’s policy is to keep everyone out isn’t it?
Sir H: It’s a bit more nuanced than that. Did you ever play that game Top Trumps when you were younger? And I don’t mean Donald Trumps (guffaws to himself).
Prendy: You mean Lionel Messi trumps Christiano Ronaldo and T Rex trumps a Spinosaurus?
Sir H: That sort of thing though round here it’s the PM trumps the Home Secretary, and the Chancellor trumps …emm, well no one at the moment I suppose.
Prendy: But what’s this got to do with immigration.
Sir H: Ah yes. Well, it works like this. A while ago Afghani refugees were much more popular than, say, Syrians. So, if you came from Afghanistan you were top trump. Then along came Putin’s army, and all of a sudden Ukrainians were trumping the Afghanis.
Prendy: So we now let in Ukrainians and not Afghanis?
Sir H: We don’t let in anyone if we can help it. But we do prioritise them. Or to be more accurate we give the impression that we are prioritising them. We set up a labyrinthine visa system and IF they can get through that then we bung them into a hotel somewhere up north and leave them there, hoping they will think it was better at home, even under the Taliban, and f*** off back there.
Prendy: But they’re fleeing the Ruskies not the Taliban aren’t they?
Sir H: Afghanis! Do keep up dear boy. We’ve only resettled 4,000 of them so there are still 12,000 left in hotels.
Prendy: Aren’t hotels a bit expensive?
Sir H: Hmm, well it’s costing rather over a million pounds a day. That’s why the Home Sec’s Rwanda scheme looks like such good value. That will only cost £30,000 to get each person off our hands once and for all.
Prendy: (scratching head): But we’re not going to send Ukrainians to Rwanda are we?
Sir H: No. Of course not. That’s for the ‘crossing-channel-in-dangerous-dinghies’ mob. Do pay attention. We’ve hit on a much cheaper scheme for the Ukies. We’ve persuaded hundreds of British families to house them. It will save a fortune.
Prendy: Couldn’t we persuade people to take in Afghanis too?
Sir H: Ah, well, there’s a bit of a problem there. You see it’s a lot hotter in Afghanistan.
Prendy: I don’t’ follow.
Sir H: Well, they are a bit more ‘sun-tanned’ – if you see what I mean.
Prendy: Ah .. you mean Bl….
Sir H: SHHH….less white. Careful. The walls are Woke around here.
Prendy: Ah, so there’s a points-based-system – the darker your skin, the fewer points you get? Which is why we tried to send back the Windrush mob?
Sir H: That’s the general thrust of it. Top Trumps and all that.
Prendergast Newboy: So an Eskimo migrant is much more likely to get settled refugee status than, say, a Rwandan?
Sir Humphrey: That’s about the size of it. Though we don’t say Eskimo these days. It’s Inuit, init? (collapses to floor laughing at own joke).
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