Politikal Pokes by lobbytroll
FULFILLING THE AIRHEAD QUOTA
Never let anyone tell you that the Tories are a party of misogynistic throwbacks. Now that slippery yes-woman Home Secretary Priti “Vacant” Patel and Minister for Evasion Angela Leadsom, are safely ensconced inside the tent pissing out, who has been invited to augment this desperate coven? None other than cheese expert Liz “Hernia” Truss, who will be standing up for equal opportunity, fairness, impartiality and tolerance, whilst presumably remaining seated for oppression, inequity, tyranny and unrestricted greed. She replaces our MP Amber Rudd, who, to her credit, has decided she’s had enough of defending the indefensible.
OPERATION YELLOWHAMMER – THE FACTS
• Money laundering may have to be outsourced to Ireland.
• Import restrictions would mean that basic food ingredients such as sulfites, monosodium glutamate, aspartame, sodium nitrate, propylene glycol, chlorine and tert butylhydroquinone would be in short supply and would need to be replaced with natural, wholesome, non-carcinogenic products from the USA.
• The already rich such as Rupert Murdoch, Aaron Banks, Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg could become even more bloated with money once a no-deal Brexit scuppers the EU’s planned anti-tax evasion policy.
• Imports of vital items would be delayed at channel ports, causing bowler hats, umbrellas and British cars to make an unwelcome comeback.
• We might run out of ice cream.
MAKING YOUR MIND UP
Buck’s Fizz singer Helena Handcart is to run as a Brexit Party candidate in the Labour-held constituency of Kensington in the next election. She claims to want to “stand for the Brexit Party and fight to uphold democracy for the sake of the people.” I suppose she has to do something after the Eurovision Song Contest is bulldozed off the agenda. Personally, I don’t mind as long as she keeps her skirt on.
THE VERSATILITY OF GINGER
I think it is worth repeating what sacked MP Sir Nicholas Soames said in The Times. After listing all the reasons why Johnson is not like his hero (Soames’ grandfather Winston Churchill), Sir Nicholas then went on to dismantle Jacob Rees-Mogg, the Commons leader. “His behaviour this week, lolling on the front bench, was repulsive”, he says. “He is in serious danger of believing his own shtick. He is an absolute fraud, he is a living example of what a moderately cut double-breasted suit and a decent tie can do with an ultra-posh voice and a bit of ginger stuck up his arse. You do not behave like that as leader of the House.” Both men went to Eton but Sir Nicholas said Rees-Mogg’s behaviour had nothing to do with his school. “I thought it was bloody bad manners and he of all people should know better. He has had all the advantages and frankly nanny made a serious bish. I wanted to kick him firmly in the arse and say, ‘What the hell do you think you are playing at? Sit up!” His speech in the Brexit debate was, according to Sir Nick, “The lowest form of student union hackery, insolence and bad manners.”
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