Andy Pandy Pandering
ANNIE LAWSON
I always thought there was something sad about the Andy Pandy children’s TV marionette who lived in a picnic basket. Perhaps there is the same tristesse about Andrew Tate.
Andrew lives under house arrest in a mansion with staff in Bucharest with his brother Tristan, where “hot bitches” are ever on hand, “like ashtrays”, he says. He keeps getting hauled in by the police for crimes – including human trafficking and violence – for which he says there is no proof. Andrew says it’s because he’s escaped The Matrix and is no longer of a slave mind that The Matrix persecutes him. He makes videos about it that he puts on X.
One Tate video followed the Kamala versus Donald debate during the US election that the brothers had stayed up to watch. When Andrew got to bed, he couldn’t sleep because Taylor Swift had just endorsed Kamala on X. As always, bare-chested, munching ‘Hello Kitty’ cereal straight from a pink box and sucking on a gi-normous cigar, he said, “I was in bed, mid-pump, and when I heard that I knew I had to do something.” He thought Trump could have been more savage in the debate and could have said to Harris “Shaddap bimbo get back to your blowjobs” (sorry about this, yes it’s horrible but I’m taking the bull by the horns), and he’d enjoyed imitating Kamala’s facial expressions which were just as if she were about to tell Donald off for jumping a queue in a mall, but now it was all pointless because Swift’s response would swing the election.
Andrew was incensed. “I HATE Taylor Swift!” he fumed. “I would NEVER allow a woman or child of mine to attend a Taylor Swift concert!” “Why not Daddy?” “Because Taylor Swift said ‘Fuck the Patriarchy’, and ‘I am the Patriarchy!’”, and then, “Taylor Swift is controlled by The Matrix. They’ve TOLD her to endorse Kamala!” Now he vents a stream of consciousness fantasy which starts by asking in what peculiar circumstance would he ever find himself at a Taylor Swift concert? Only if his private jet crashed into the venue! Not realising where he is, he fights his way out of the flaming wreckage, and there she is! And when he sees her performing her antics, he realises she’s sending him a message, because he’s told her that he knows she’s a hostage of The Matrix.
I’m against Tate. I’ve had enough experiences of separatist feminists in the 1980s to realise that philosophies of gender superiority can lead to fantasies (or realities) of the ‘inferior’ sex being held captive for breeding.
Men and women need to deal with one another on an intellectual level, however difficult that might seem. But I expect people who disagree to be worthy opponents. If there’s a serious point to make, is self-parody the way to go? Andrew Tate is either an idiot or he has missed his calling in comedy. There’s a word at the right of the screen, on the set behind him. The word is TAT. It’s the TATE logo with the E lopped off by the framing of the camera. How on earth did he allow that? And why is he inviting cancer tomorrow with those Savile-trumping cigars while eating small girls’ cereal?
Could it be that he’s being controlled by some Master of Mayhem who wants to provoke a swing to the right, and performing these antics is the only way he can tell us? Poor puppet Andy.
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