On Pet Grief and How to Cope
ANITA KELSEY is based in Hastings and runs a vet referral service dedicated strictly to the diagnosis and treatment of behaviour problems in cats. She is the author of 3 books: Claws, Let’s Talk About Cats, and her latest book, The Little Book Of Extraordinary Cats
Anita
Recently, I answered a phone call from a friend whose cat had just been killed in a road traffic accident. I felt helpless as my friend howled down the phone like a wounded animal, knowing she would never see her furry companion again. I know that pain we feel, as I’ve felt it with previous cats I’ve lost, but my pain then was slightly different. I had time to say goodbye and to make arrangements for a kinder death with a vet who offered home euthanasia (my cat was ill with advanced kidney disease). Even with that knowledge, the grief was real and it came in waves, drowning a little more of my heart. Whatever the circumstances, pet guardians understand other owners’ grief and know, however strange this may sound, that it can be a worse feeling than experiencing the death of a human friend.
I have shared my life with two Norwegian Forest cats for 15 years now. I’ve been married for 23 years and my husband and I became Kiki and Zaza’s guardians after five years of marriage, so, it very much feels like they are our children. We think of them every day, we see them every day, we schedule our daily routines around them and they see us both on good and bad days. Unlike some adult friends, our pets are a constant.
Gone but not forgotten: Zaza who passed away in September 2023
Most of us also have a deep connection with our pets. They do not talk to us in human language and therefore there is no paranoia, misunderstanding or offence taken – ever! There are no human expectations or any moments where we may feel the need to mask our true feelings.
When we lose our pets, our homes suddenly do not feel so welcoming. Why would they? Every day, the presence and life of our chosen pet has brightened our homes and brought meaning to them, which in return has made us far more excited to come home to them. In grief, we feel alone and the silence that infiltrates us as we walk through our front door, only to receive no greeting from our pet, breaks our hearts and leaves a gaping wound.
What Can Be Done
Grief is a very personal thing and no two people will feel the same or experience the journey of grief in the same way. Unfortunately sometimes grief can tap into angry feelings and we look for someone to blame. Sometimes, this may be the vet or, in the majority of cases, we blame ourselves.
But the grieving process must begin with clearing one’s mind, to release any thoughts of guilt or blame. Death is a part of us all. No one escapes it and no one can avoid freak accidents. I know the majority of us as pet guardians give our pets the best possible life. I too have suffered that little voice that comes to us all in the dead of night… “Did you give Figgy the best life? Did you hang on for too long, putting your own selfish needs over hers?”
Let it go
Nothing good comes from these thoughts. Spend the time remembering lovely moments with your pet instead and the love you shared on this earth. Those memories are priceless and we should feel blessed to have shared them with our pets.
Talk About Your Feelings
There’s no shame in feeling at rock bottom when we are grieving. The effects of pet loss can be devastating and the process of talking about your feelings should be encouraged at every opportunity.
There are many pet bereavement practitioners who offer a support service. Talking to someone else helps us let go of pent-up emotions that are making us feel depressed and tense. It’s also nice to spend time talking about the pets we have lost and what they meant to us. It’s the start of the journey to accepting how depressed their passing has made us feel. Only by opening up and talking aloud can the journey of healing and acceptance begin.
Talking about what you are feeling could be internal too. It is very cathartic to write down thoughts– a short paragraph or two that could be offered up for friends to read or an article offered to a magazine to help others with their feelings of loss.
Writing a letter to your pet can also be very soothing. If you didn’t get the chance to say goodbye, write your pet a letter with all the things they did that made your heart soar and what they meant to you. And then burn the letter to release the emotions. Maybe ask some friends around to help with the process of saying goodbye. Have a little ceremony or celebration of their life. It’s a lovely thing to do.
My friend (who I mentioned above) had a ceremony for her cat, which they held at sunrise by the sea. It was a beautiful calm morning and a few of us sat silently in his memory watching a perfect sun rise from the horizon. We then read poems as we each said our goodbyes and paid our respects in our own way. As friends, we were able to hold hands literally and spiritually as she said her personal goodbyes. It was a very special moment and our tears felt genuine and bonded us in that moment.
When the time feels right, you may wish to find a new furry friend to love and nurture. This really does help with the grieving process and many of us tell ourselves that this is what our previous pet would have wanted – for us to offer love, hope and kindness to another pet. I tell myself this and I tell other friends and clients who have lost their pets, not because it’s the thing to say, but because I truly believe in the healing power of nurturing something outside of ourselves.
The most important things to remember are:
- Clear one’s mind for acceptance
- Talk or write about your feelings
- Accept that grief is a process
- Don’t feel embarrassed by your depth of grief
- Ask for help and in time, consider a new pet to love and be loved by
- Various recommended pet bereavement services:
- Theralphsite.com
- Bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss
- Supportline.org.uk/problems/pet-bereavement
- Rspca.org.uk/adviceandwelfare/pets/bereavement
- Samaritans.org
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