Summer in St Leonards
Your guide by KENNY DICKERING
Are you wondering what to wear, what to do and where to go this summer in sunny St Leonards? Let me be your guide…
BEACH BUMS
It’s all about preparation and protection. That’s what I tell Freddy Bunion when he fancies sunning himself on the esplanade. I say, “Freddy, the look we’re going for is polished mahogany. Not Taramasalata that’s been left out for a week.” Well, Freddy’s always been partial to an oiled thigh. Whereas I prefer a good creaming under a beach brolly, but that’s just me. Each to his own.
Once you’re ready to expose yourself, you need to get into the right position. That’s prostrate on a lounger for me. And think ‘barbecue sausage’. Regular turning is essential to avoid overcooking and patchiness. For this reason it’s best to remove your diving helmet. And your snorkel, if you’re wearing one. But do keep your trunks on. This is St Leonards, not Bexhill. Hopefully you’re not like our Gladys: she’s allergic to the sun and takes a tarpaulin down to the beach. I kid you not.
BEACH BALLS
Once you’ve achieved a light bronzing, you can have some fun in the sun. At this point, Freddy might wander down to the shoreline to play with his ball. Which is one
way of getting attention. Not me. I’d rather be snacking on a Lazeelad ®. That’s a beanbag to you. Our Gladys will most likely demand a lick of my lolly. “Gladys!” I’ll tell her. “That’s not appropriate. Or hygienic. Have a hobnob.” Anyhoo, once I’ve finished munching, I like to take a little turn on the beach. But with the shingle down here, I advise wearing a stout pair of boots. The diving helmet is optional, though it really completes the look if you ask me. And I certainly turn a few heads.
Now, I can hear you asking, Kenny, why aren’t you going to the amusement arcade, or playing a round of crazy golf? Because, numero uno, we’re not in Clacton, babes. Not to mention, get over yourself!
LIFE’S A BEACH
After a hard day in the sun, I favour an early evening beverage to cool down. Freddy’s pal, Tommy Buzzard, owns a charming little bar on the seafront. When he sees us strolling past, he goes, “Oooh, why don’t you two lookers pop in for a quickie?” He means a cocktail. And there’s nothing I like more than slipping into The Sandy Crevice for Sex on the Beach. It’s all soft seating and low lighting. Mother wouldn’t dream of letting me straddle a pouffe in her front parlour. Luckily, she never leaves the house these days.
By this time, we’re ready to eat again. And if that’s making you think of chips, battered herring and lashings of salt and vinegar… Well, you and me both! There are many chip shops to choose from, but my favourite has to be Cod Almighty on Kings Road. I offered Freddy a chip and, straight away, he put his hand on my saveloy. Honestly. You can’t take him anywhere. After we’d eaten, we rescued our Gladys from under the tarpaulin. Then we all sat on the beach and watched the sun go down together. Perched in our deckchairs, sucking away on a great big stick of rock.
Well, I hope you’ve picked up some very useful tips here. Cheers folks and have a great summer. Never go far in St Leonards without your sunglasses and a hurricane-strength umbrella. And don’t forget your diving helmet. Am I right?
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