Revolutionary Students Threaten Hastings School
HIP has been sent the transcript of a leaked conversation between senior staff running one of Hastings’ most prestigious schools. In the interests of Freedom of Speech – a concept the school might struggle with,we reprint it here – though with names redacted to protect the guilty innocent.
Headteacher: Yes. What is it? Can’t you see I’m doing today’s Wordel, I’m on my last chance.
Deputy Head: But I’m afraid… um… the pupils are revolting, headmaster.
Head: Yes, I know. If only they’d wash a bit more often.
Deputy: Well, that’s part of the problem. They’re complaining they can’t use the bathrooms because they’re overcrowded.
Head: OK, so what are they planning to do about it?
Deputy: I understand they’re considering demonstrating in the playground.
Head: Good lord, we can’t have that. It will be like Paris in ’68. Remember that?
Deputy: No, headmaster. I wasn’t born then…
Head: That’s not the point. The lefty students were only held back by a thin blue line of riot police using live grenades. And the Kent State shootings in 1970?
Deputy: Still before my time, I’m afraid.
Head: They brought in the National guard to put that one down.
Deputy: Yes, but didn’t they kill some of them? Four dead in Ohio as the song goes?
Head: Well at least it put a stop to them rampaging again. No, we’ve got to take a firm line. We’ll have to call in the dreaded Sussex Police. Oh, and expel the ringleaders at once.
Deputy: Isn’t that a bit excessive? Don’t we encourage student participation? I mean, we’ve already held elections for student representatives…
Head: What? What a ludicrous idea. Giving the little squirts the idea that they can change things! Pupil power will be spreading all over the county. No, we must take a firm stand.
Deputy: I’m afraid it’s already spread, headmaster. There’ve been demos in Merseyside, Southampton and Blackpool and also at schools in Essex, Wales and Cornwall. Apparently, they organise it all on social media, Tik Tok and Snapchat…
Head: What and What-what? Oh, never mind, I don’t want to know. It’s just copy-cat stuff, yobbish behaviour jacked up by the kudos of filming it on their phone – then sending it to their friends along with pictures of their private parts.
Deputy: Yes, that’s another problem, though. But we can’t just expel the so-called ringleaders. It would be against natural justice.
Head: Natural what? Where was the natural justice when Castro executed Batista in Cuba. Where was the justice when Trotsky and his Bolshevik friends slaughtered Nicolas II and all the Romanovs? And what about Louis XVI, drowned in his bath by Charlotte Corday. Good God they’ll be sending the tumbrils to Buckingham Palace for King Charles next.
Deputy. Erm, yes, headmaster. Golly… is that the time? Aren’t you supposed to be teaching history to the lower sixth – I mean Year 10 – in two minutes?
Head: Ah, yes. Just have to finish this Wordel… Ah, yes. I’ve got it, F-A–S-C-I-S-T. That’s five letters, isn’t it?
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