Brexit Misery Mines
Bleary-eyed and yawning, HIP’s Downing Street mole, STUART ROBINSON, eavesdrops on a (possible) 5 July conversation between the new Prime Minister, Kier Starmer, and Cabinet Secretary, Simon Case.
SC. Welcome Prime Minister. Before you settle in there’s a few ‘for your eyes only’ you need to be aware of….
KS. Oh, goodie. The nuclear codes? The hot line to the White House? I bet it’s red.
SC. Almost Prime Minister. Green. No, the Brexit Misery Mines.
KS. The Brexit what?
SC. The Brexit Misery mines.
KS. You mean there’s more than one?
SC. We have quite a few, Prime Minister.
KS. You’re telling me we’re mining misery? What on earth for? Hasn’t Brexit already generated enough – unofficially of course.
SC. Indeed, Prime Minister. And, yes, officially, it’s sunny uplands all the way. Entre nous, the Department for Brexit Opportunities is little more than a part time security guard and a switchboard. Also, part time.
KS. I had heard. But what about these… misery mines?
SC. We’re not actually mining misery Prime Minister – no need – Brexit takes good care of that all on its own. No, we’re actually trying to contain it. In mines. Disused ones. Remember the 1980s? Margaret Thatcher, The NUM?
KS. Of course, man. I’m not an idiot!
SC. Indeed, Prime Minister. Around Dover and other UK ports we began seeing our own domestic, off-grey, Brexit Misery mutate like Covid. Remember Delta and Omicron? People suddenly gesticulating and arm waving, or trying to be organised and serious, or taking siestas or donning yellow jackets and building barricades, all the while shouting about bureaucracy and queues in a linguistic soup of Italian, German, French and other European languages. Quite impenetrable.
KS. Well, that’s Brexit for you!
SC. Quite so, Prime Minister. Forget the existential dread experienced by touring musicians or the financial torments of our exporters, this was very strange and was growing fast.
KS. But how?
SC. European Lorry drivers, Prime Minister. Their Brexit misery was infecting ours. So, we’re containing them, the lorry drivers. In mines. Until we can return them.
KS. You’re telling me we’re putting European lorry drivers down mines if they’re upset by Brexit?
SC. Precisely, Prime Minister. What choice did we have? The economic harm would be beyond even Liz Truss’s imaginings – and last considerably longer than 49 days. Returning them isn’t proving easy either I’m afraid: post-Brexit paperwork! And there’s another thing, Prime Minister: we’ve also contained Boris Johnson – in his own mine.
KS. That’s scandalous… the Europeans, I mean. You’ve put Johnson down a mine too?
SC. Call it ‘Nature’s Way’ or ‘Deep State’ nemesis if you prefer, Prime Minister. After all, Brexit misery is yet another bastard Johnson offspring.
KS. Is that wise? What’s he doing with himself down there?
SC. Spaffing Prime Minister, up a wall, so I’m informed. No need to worry, he’s quite used to being in a hole – of one sort or another.
KS. But, won’t people notice he’s missing? What about his Daily Mail column?
SC. Not a bit. Generative AI. 800 words of Johnson-esque drivel. No problem. Well, not so that Daily Mail readers would notice. His ‘Only Fans’ videos endorsing Tory election candidates: also, AI.
KS. What about Nigel Farage? Don’t tell me he’s down a mine too – think of the poor lorry drivers!
SC. Quite so, Prime Minister. No, unless you’re a Putin or Trump supporter, unhinged or live in Clacton, no one is listening to Nigel. Besides, we’re making other plans for Nigel.
KS. ‘We’? What do you mean by ‘we’?
SC. Prime Minister, can I suggest a book you might care to read? Nadine Dorries: ‘The Plot’. It might shed some light.
KS. It might shed some light? I’m the Prime Minister! Aren’t I in charge?
SC. YES, Prime Minister…..
We hope you have enjoyed reading this article. The future of our volunteer led, non-profit publication would be far more secure with the aid of a small donation. You can also support local journalism by becoming a friend of HIP. It only takes a minute and we would be very grateful.
I like it! Carbon Capture and Storage for Brexit misery. Very amusing.