We Need to Talk about Dying
GILL GOLDENBERG talks with Oliver Towner of Towners Funeral Directors about the company’s 150 years in business and how things have changed over time
It’s something of a remarkable feat that Towners has flourished as a family business for six generations, passed from father to son throughout their long history. They’re the oldest business in St Leonards, where they have their roots, and the third oldest in Hastings.
When St Leonards was being developed by James Burton in the period 1828-37, one of the builders he employed was Thomas Towner, originally from Seaford, who was the only man with the skills necessary for making coffins. And so, the business began.
Oliver and his family are immensely proud of the business’s longevity, testament to the fact that they have always tried to be in the heart of the community as an independent company. Rather than selling out to corporate companies with shareholders, they’ve focused on fair pricing with excellent service and care. They don’t sell ‘packages’ but try to find out what grieving families want themselves, both to say goodbye to their loved ones and to celebrate their life in a way that is appropriate for them as individuals.
We all know the phrase “the only certainties in life are death and taxes”, but although talk of taxes is commonplace, we’re not so keen to talk about death. “Grief is horrible,” says Oliver. “My mission is to encourage our community to talk about death. The more prepared we are, the better. Being part of a community that has used our services for 150 years, we have a duty to give back to that community.” In fact, only a small percentage of people take out a funeral plan to establish exactly how they want their funeral to be carried out. A recent survey revealed that 72% of couples didn’t know whether their partner wanted to be buried or cremated.
John Adams, a funeral director from Shropshire, has campaigned for years to get grieving education into the school’s curriculum. His mum died when he was 12 and there was little support or understanding of the grieving process for a child at the time. In July this year, the statutory guidance from the Department of Education states that by the end of Primary school, pupils should be taught about loss and bereavement, and this will be followed up through the secondary curriculum.
The emphasis today is to allow families to make their own decisions about what is right for them. Towners put the family of the deceased at the centre, supporting them to take control of the process. The Covid pandemic necessitated many ‘direct cremations’ when it wasn’t possible to attend funerals, but it was possible to have a respectful disposal of the body, leaving the family with the ashes of their loved one.
Perhaps surprisingly, this practice of direct cremation, with no formal gathering at a crematorium, has become an increasingly popular choice. Not everyone wants the ceremonial pomp of a funeral. Oliver told me about one case involving a young man in another part of the country who had been a keen surfer before he died. His family had chosen a direct cremation, followed later with all of his family and close friends arranging surfing lessons so that they could take to the water as a group, and scatter his ashes at sea in the place he loved.
Cultural and religious differences in terms of the practice of ceremonies and rituals also differ. In the case of Muslim funerals, Towners carries out all those in Hastings and St Leonards; in these cases the body has to be buried within 24 hours of death, and the body is washed and prepared by family members in a deeply moving ritual.
Open casket funerals are more common in the USA and Ireland, where embalming the body is more usual. In this country “We take a long time to bury our dead,” Oliver says, “and we are so far removed from the process that people don’t do their research into what is best for them.”
There are alternatives, of course. ‘Green’ funerals and woodland burials are gaining popularity, but there is currently no reliable information available as to what constitutes a sustainable funeral. This whole area is close to Oliver’s heart, and he is hoping to offer a carbon neutral direct cremation soon.
There is a real hunger for such changes here in Sussex. The weekend before I met with Oliver, they had carried out a garden burial, which is perfectly legal but has to be declared when the property is sold, leaving the family no rights over the grave. Oliver felt that this approach strips back the pageantry of a funeral and “a coffin on the back of a tractor was simple and beautiful in its own way.”
I asked Oliver to talk about the most memorable funeral he had been part of – and it was during Covid. At the crematorium, the family moved all the chairs (normally strictly forbidden) to form a large circle in the chapel; they then talked about the life of the deceased, sharing stories and pictures. “It was a humbling moment to be part of a wonderfully personal commemoration of a person’s life, which will stay with me for the rest of my days. It’s such a privilege to know something of the life of a person we have never met.”
And the funniest funeral experience? Oliver told of a family who had chosen a Rocky Horror Picture Show theme: “I will never forget the image of someone dressed up as Frank N Furter, complete with high heels and fishnet tights, carrying the coffin.
“Everyone thinks funerals are very sad, but it’s a beautiful sadness. Some moments are filled with joy.”
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