Helping Others
The urge to help others is not always as simple as it seems. Is it altruism? Is it something that generates good vibes all round? Is it something darker as described, for example in the Martyr Complex: “a destructive pattern of behaviour in which a person habitually seeks suffering or persecution as a way to feel ‘good’ about themselves.” (Lonerwolf.com)
So with Volunteers’ Week just gone, why volunteer? I came to live in Hastings with my wife seven years ago, moving from Reading, where we’d lived for five years. In all that time we made no close friends and had only a few acquaintances from the town. Moving to St Leonard’s, with the benefit of both being freelance workers, we set out to get to know the community.
First stop was the St Leonard’s Festival where we signed up as stewards. There we met the legendary Erica Smith who went on to become a friend several years later. I also had interesting conversations with James Bacon who recently became Mayor of Hastings. And there were others, too many to mention, including the organisers of 18 hours, Mandy and Naomi.
Hastings and St Leonards is such a friendly place to live, but, if you want to move beyond being on nodding terms, it’s good to actually do things with other people – and that’s where volunteering really scores. But like a search for happiness, engaging with people can be elusive unless you actually engage with the helping part. It doesn’t seem to work if your only thought is what you get out of it yourself. Life is full of paradoxes and that’s one of them.
I first learned the benefit of helping others when my first marriage ended in 1977. My mother suggested I work for a soup kitchen in Brighton where I was living. That was where I learned that an understanding of what you were getting back can benefit your attitude to those you are helping. (And I can still smell the soup.)
Two weeks ago I was in a dark place having become overwhelmed by things I’d agreed to do – as well as computer problems. At the end of a long list of other things, I’d agreed to help someone fix their shed at the weekend. As the weekend approached, I had to think very carefully about my motive. Was I doing it to ‘people please’? Was I doing it to look good? In the end, having discussed my dilemma with the people involved, I decided to help out. And as a result, I had one of the most enjoyable days of this year – and left the dark place behind.
• For an essay on the psychology of altruism visit tinyurl.com/fhckc935
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