Reviewed by Angelica Campion

I love old pubs and history. My dad was born in The Angel in St Giles, (previously the Bowl) where condemned men went for their last drink before being hanged at Tyburn. There are more than thirty public houses in Hastings and tonight we are visiting three of them in the freezing rain to discover that old is not always good.

In Hastings New Town, there used to be a really grim venue bar opposite the station called Flairz that once had a scene-of-crime tape around the pool table. Architecturally the building is quite something, originally the Old Golden Cross pub, established on this site in 1857. Recently they took the carpet away, stacked some magic books in the corner, put lame scary ornaments on a shelf and nailed sacking to the seating, leaving the classy pool table and fruit machine. A large picture of Hastings hater and ‘pervert’ occultist Aleister Crowley was hung on the wall. Now it’s called Crowleys.

But we’ll give it a go. What wine have you got? Sauvignon Blanc. What else? Sauvignon Blanc. Ok. There are just three other customers on this Friday night and as usual I’m obsessed with whether the heating is on or not. It’s not.

One drink in here is too many so we run 50 yards to the Royal George (established 1866) and look through the window. Ooh, doesn’t it look cosy! As we sit down with our drinks we notice the chalkboard that says Dirty Thursday Just Got Really Dirty! (Thank god it’s Friday then) and advertising two Jagerbombs for tuppence ha’penny. Then the jukebox revs into life making conversation a serious challenge.

At the next table a handful of customers inappropriately dressed for the cold weather are lining up the tequilas. My companion says “WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! YES THAT GIRL’S SKIRT IS VERY SHORT!” Then suddenly the music stops and it’s silent except for us shouting personal details about the people next to us.

We’re on a roll now and don’t want to ruin the evening by wobbling to the Old Town and having a good time, so the friend suggests The Clown, established 1872 and closest pub to the Gaiety theatre (1882-1932), now the Odeon cinema. Like many, I suffer from clown-o-phobia (coulrophobia if you must) and was unenthusiastic but of the three, the Clown was by far the most entertaining. The couple snogging their faces off, the barman who admired and coveted my handbag, the older lady spilling her drink over her feet and falling backwards into a table, and the chalkboard advertising their meat raffle. Do you win a bag of pork chops and have to sit with them all night going off next to you? Is this a health and safety issue?

The Clown is a tiny bar and the chemical reaction between the fug of exhaled alcohol and toilet cleaner fumes brought on asthma I didn’t know I had, but it was warm and jolly and everyone very friendly. There are clowns on the wall, just don’t look at them.

• Crowleys Bar, 56-57 Havelock Rd; Royal George, 32 Station Rd; The Clown, 9 Russell St

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