The column which thinks that Kanye West is to music what Donald Trump is to truth

MYSELF: Don’t you find it immensely depressing that we are surrounded by people staring at their phones instead of talking, smiling and interacting with each other?
READER: I couldn’t agree more. In fact I…
RINGTONE: Ride of the Valkeries as played on the Stylophone
READER: Sorry…….hang on I have to take this……hello? Hello? Damn!
MYSELF:Must have been a cold call. By the way, are you getting my posts? I’m sure Facebook are censoring me.
READER: I saw the Facebook post where you said that, so they can’t be.
MYSELF: Unless I said something entirely different.


DIVERSITY IN ADVERSITY

Isn’t it marvellous what this virus has done for everyone’s imagination? Since lockdown, my barber Ralph has branched out and as well as haircuts is now doing tea towels featuring the Turin Shroud, lucky rabbit’s foot fridge magnets, souvenir Lourdes scissors, banned wild animals, and hand guns.


SHOP ‘TIL YOU DROP

Ho-Ho, Hastings latest cheap-tat superstore, is offering a brand new service to customers. From Monday, checkout staff will offer to professionally wrap your purchase and put it straight in the bin. “It’s a game-changer,” store manager Marjorie Clutterfree told us, “More and more people are finding it increasingly difficult in an ever- accelerating world, particularly in the middle of a global pandemic, to maintain a reasonable work/life balance. Let’s face it, these days no-one has the time to even try on clothes, let alone throw them away after wearing them. Our new service, which we call Pick ‘n Chuck, is going to change the face of the retail therapy business forever. Our special fast-track shopping lane will get you in and out of the shop in an average time of ten minutes, with no bulky parcels to carry home! Next year we plan to introduce a drive through service.” Ho-Ho’s success has been put down to low profit margins, bulk buying and the use of sweatshop child labourers in manufacturing countries with little or no safety regulations. “I should also point out that if you are not 100% satisfied with the item, you can simply call us up quoting the receipt code and we will throw away another item of its equivalent value.” As I wound up the interview, the line of customers outside Ho-Ho, stretching all the way to the bottom of the High Street and around the corner told its own story. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention the child labour by the way,” Ms Clutterfree urged as I left the shop, “or the hideous man-made fabrics we use, which burst into flames when exposed to daylight.”


PLEASE SIR

Soliciters acting for fake knight Sir Warren Pierce  have written to us complaining of a recent item in this newspaper which accused him of using his counterfeit title to bolster his reputation. In their letter they claim that as a bona fide fake Knight of the Realm, their client is at least entitled to some fake respect.  Our solicitors Pomegranate, Pomegranate & Kerfuffel disagreed (on gold embossed 300gm parchment lightly scented with fuschia), stating that under English law, a non-nobleman is not entitled to anything of the sort, being, as it were, untitled


WENDY WRITES

Dear Wendy,
I don’t really know where to start, but I think my husband is a secret pantomime  horse. Only the front end mind you, nothing perverted. Its just that I don’t know where to turn. Is there an organisation I can get in touch with? I’m at my wits’ end.
Yours worriedly,
Worried, West Dewlally

Dear Worried,
You do not go into the reason for your suspicions, but if my experience is anything to go by, I suspect you’ve probably stumbled across a pantomime horse costume (front end) stashed away in the attic, possibly amongst his collection of  pre-war condoms, am I right? Anyway Worried, I suggest you drop a line to:-, Dame Vera Balconi, Pantomime Horses Anonymousc/o the address I sent you. They have produced a very informative leaflet , Living with Pantophilia, which they  will be only too happy  to send you. Meanwhile, pull back from the end of your wits, or you may overturn!


STAR SPANGLED BANGER

Kanye West, the tone-deaf pretend musician who is married to the plastic surgery queen Kim Kardashian and wants to run for president, has announced the death of the guitar in popular music. Anyone who saw Kanye’s suicidal attempt at singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” will realise that yesterday’s rubbish has unfairly acquired the rose-tinted glow of nostalgia. His consignment of the playing of real instruments to the dustbin of progress is predictable. Kanye eschews the traditional methods of learning and practice in favour of a simplistic children’s music application called Fruity Loops. That should tell you all you need to know about the millionaire fraud’s talentless, empty soul. I image that window cleaners of the future will be exclusively whistling the greatest hits of President Kanye West, whose voice let’s face it, sounds much the same as Frank Sinatra or Freddie Mercury.

Sausage life!


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