The column that believes impatience is rewarding.
READER: Wow, I hear you won the lottery, how much?
MYSELF: I’d rather not say. I ticked the “no publicity” box, so only The Mail, The Sun, The Daily Sport, and Hello magazine know about it. And El Mondo Saucio, Spain’s version of The Spectator.
READER: Congratulations, though I expect Hello will be doing a photo feature.
MYSELF: Yes, they wanted to take nude pics of me and some actress getting hitched at the Elvis Presley Memorial Chapel, Hartlepool. I refused though, because Hartlepool is a long way to drive wearing a compulsory blindfold.
READER: I think you’ll find that is not a blindfold but a PPE mask, which you have pulled up too high. Anyway Gove and Cummings have done it.
MYSELF: I stand corrected, as the satisfied customer said to the orthopaedic shoe salesman.
Mrs Caroline Spatchcock of Mildew-on-the-Hoof writes,
Dear Mr Guano, please settle an argument. My husband says that the longest English word is floccinaucinihilipilification, whereas I maintain it is antidisestablishmentarianism, who is right?
Dear Mrs Spatchcock,
A simple character count would have quickly determined that your husband’s word contains 29 letters, whereas yours contains only 28. However, you are both wrong vis a vis the English language’s most protracted word. That honour belongs, at a stunning 45 letters, to (takes deep breath): Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, a respiratory disease, affectionately dubbed blacklung which affected coal miners. In many cases, unfortunately, by the time the doctor had finished telling you what you had, you were dead.
To cope with clothing shortages during this pandemic, I decided to get the sewing machine out of the loft and have a crack at garment manufacture. I started off making gloves for key workers, but couldn’t seem to get the number of fingers right. Most joggers have two legs, an easy number to remember, so I would appreciate it if you could give me any tips for making leisure wear at home? I am particularly interested in the type of sports pants suitable for going shopping.
name and address supplied
The latest government advice is that where jogging bottoms are hard to come by, it is perfectly acceptable to sew face masks together. You will need between 50 and 100, depending on the size of your arse.
Saturn, an octogenarian alligator from Mississippi who is believed to have belonged to Adolf Hitler, has died in a Moscow zoo. Hitler was known to be a huge animal lover and as well as Saturn, owned a variety of pets including hamsters, bats, poisonous spiders and his beloved cockatoo, Beryl, who could recite Shakespeare and play accomplished soprano saxophone. The zoo noted that Saturn was a picky eater, like his alleged former owner. Hitler would often leave peas by the side of his plate or empty his gravy into a potted plant when he thought no-one was looking. After his suicide in a Berlin bunker, investigators discovered a cache of food items which the führer had concealed under his mattress during mealtimes, including artichoke hearts, pork bladders and, oddly, moisturising lotion. The dinosaur-like reptile also loved, according to zoo records, a ‘brush massage’. Precisely what that entailed is not absolutely clear, but Walter Wichser, his one-armed, one- legged keeper told us: “Saturn liked to have a vigorous brush massage at precisely 2:30 every afternoon, and even though he did not wear a watch, he was a stickler for punctuality. If something was not to his liking he would bite it in half, like he did to Rolf his previous keeper.” A tiny tear trickled down Walter’s scarred cheek as he added, “He was like an 83-year-old son to me, only with enormous flesh-tearing teeth. Many visitors to the zoo were terrified of his evil gaze, but apart from the odd tiff, he and I got along famously.”
Professor Thinktank has objected to a recent exhibition by the installation artist Bandy Sponk which contains an exhibit entitled Hand Dryer consisting of a stuffed dog with its tongue out. The Hastings inventor claims that Sponk has wilfully contravened the copyright on his patent no. 83376799a, The Panting Dog Hand Dryer, which won the 2014 Ecology Now prize for innovative nonsense. “My Panting Dog Dryer was environmentally sound, having no energy source apart from dog food, which, compared to fossil fuels, is cheap and plentiful. One minor disadvantage was one of time, as a pair of wet hands could take up to three hours to dry, provided the dog could be persuaded to stand still long enough. Unfortunately, in this time-dependent era people have come to expect things like hand drying to be convenient and quick, an attitude which I have consistently warned will result in the decline of all life as we know it, and the eventual domination of the Earth’s ecosystem by deadly microscopic bacteria by the year 2537”.
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