Bird Guano

The column which believes that ignorance is the only remedy for education

READER: I see Sir James Dyson the famous inventor has been given a contract to make ventilators for our overburdened hospitals.

MYSELF: Dyson? Ventilators? Don’t make me laugh. I bought one of the Malaysian-based manufacturer’s vacuum cleaners once. It sucked up my Yorkshire terrier. I never really got over it.

READER: That’s so sad! You should talk about things more. It’s so unhealthy to keep these feelings locked up. Unburden yourself! Remember, no man is an island.

MYSELF: For your information, Noman is actually an archipelago in the Western Pacific, 1,000 miles off the coast of Guam.


I was in my local corner shop the other day and there was a man carrying a suitcase talking to the lady behind the counter. As I eavesdropped, he appeared to be enquiring, in a beautifully undulating Nigerian accent, about “Indian Tonic Water” and the lady kept directing him to large quantities of the stuff piled up in the corner. However, he made no attempt to find it and after a while he left, empty handed except for the suitcase. Confused, I asked the store lady why he didn’t pick up his tonic water. “Oh, it turns out he didn’t want to buy any,” she explained, “he was just letting me know that Indian Tonic Water was a cure for COVID-19. He seemed genuine enough, but he left without telling me whether we need to rub it in, inject it or just mix it with gin.”


According to Hastings inventor Professor Gordon Thinktank, his new Covid 19 Hot N’ Cold Taps will soon be rolling off the assembly lines and into the shops, a situation which he hopes will soon begin to assist in levelling off the spread of the Corona pandemic. “These revolutionary virus-busting taps, which can be adapted for kitchen or bathroom, are connected to a music box programmed to play a selection of tunes when they are turned on.” the professor explained, “The hot tap plays Happy Birthday or God Save The Queen twice, and the cold one plays Ring a Ring O’ Roses or Verdi’s Requiem. Just the scherzo of course.” Asked whether the closure of all non-essential shops might affect sales, Thinktank told me that the taps would be available for home delivery from Responding to the obvious question how does one get a plumber to come around and fit the taps?: the inventor threw me a scornful, dismissive glance before replying, somewhat sarcastically I thought, “I think you will find that plumbers, like most sensible tradesmen in the current situation, are taking the government’s advice and working from home.” 


A working group of fortune tellers, clairvoyants, telepaths, tea-leaf readers and mediums, including Hastings’ own Psychic Doris, have welcomed the announcement that the 2020 Paranormal Games are to go ahead after all. “Of course, I saw this coming.” said Doris, herself an Olympic medallist and former member of the 1958
UK Equestrian Telekinesis team, “Looking into the future is what I do when I’m not talking to people’s dead pets or gossiping with my spirit guide. Gazing into my crystal ball, I can see huge crowds flocking to attend the great spectacle of the Paranormal Games as it burgeons in popularity. That will be £12.50 +VAT. I can also confirm – and there would normally be an extra charge for this – that the COVID-19 virus will be cured by David Icke and Uri Geller on November 14th 2020. 


A tectonic plate of pent-up frustration continues to send tremors around the fight world since the return slug-out between Typhoon Anger and Joe ‘Palooka’ Lazarus was finally postponed indefinitely by the WBA due to the COVID-19 outbreak. “What’s going on? It’s a disgrace,” wailed reigning champ Anger on the phone from his 20-storey mobile home in Canvey Island, “The Palooka claims he is self-isolating – but from what?” he demanded to know. I told him about COVID-19 regulations. “I don’t watch TV” he replied, “But a bit of flu? Where I come from, the only people flu affects are sissies, milksops, pantywaists and cry-babies. In fact, when I was a lad, if anything was going around, our mums would just chain a railway sleeper or a bucket of brass cannonballs around our necks and make us stand barefoot in a bowl of hedgehog milk.”
“Yes, you may laugh,” he added menacingly after I laughed, “but as well as keeping infection at bay, it also had the advantage of increasing our neck muscle mass by ten to fifteen percent, ideal for physical intimidation. Quite the opposite I think you’ll agree, to today’s namby-pamby giraffe-necked generation of ballet dancing flapdoodles, who, by the way, don’t even know they’re born.”

Sausage Life!

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