STAND TO ATTENTION WHILE YOU’RE DROWNING!

Hard-nosed no-nonsense give ‘em a taste of their own medicine Home Secretary Priti Patel is getting tough with migrants. She’s sending in the navy. I don’t exactly know how this is going to pan out, but some of those Military types are keen on engagement. Could an inflatable dinghy with thirty people on board confuse military radar systems? A spokesman from the MOD tried to calm fears. “There is nothing to worry about. The migrants’ vessel will be given a clear warning consisting of two hoots on the foghorn and a distress flare. Should the target vessel fail to respond, the midshipman will declare, through a loud hailer: “Man the lifeboats! Abandon ship all ye who enter here!” before the captain authorises a devastating torpedo attack.”



PPE SCANDAL – WHO’S FIDDLING WHO?

There are so many dead cats on this government’s table that it’s difficult sometimes to discern exactly what we should be furious about but the enormous PPE-supply scandal should surely be filling all the newspapers as much as it is filling government cronies’ boots shouldn’t it? A horrible trail of nepotism and financial gluttony has been exposed, and once again a slack-jawed member of this flaccid, vacuous cabinet is implicated. Say cheese!


IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

During Trump’s most recent car-crash interview with website AXIOS, he tried to seem intelligent by flapping around pieces of paper containing diagrams he couldn’t understand, confirming everyone’s suspicions that he has lost his mind. A few days before, he actually bragged to Fox News’s Chris Wallace that “We” (The USA) had “won two world wars, two beautiful world wars that were vicious and horrible!“ Isn’t it time someone took him away in a strait jacket?


CLICK BAITIN’

You must have noticed what stares at you when you scroll down to the bottom of the page of any website you look at these days. The gaunt, strangely haunted faces of people “born before 1950” who wave their driving licenses like they are warding off Dracula, it’s a mystery. Perhaps they read somewhere that gurning was fatal to vampires. “The price of well-rotted manure in Hastings may surprise you”, the accompanying text might say, or “Man tried to teach monkey French, you won’t believe what happened next!” Does anyone really swallow this nonsense? Or is this merely confirmation that the electorate may not possess quite as much ‘common sense’ as Michael Gove pretends to think? Evidence abounds to the contrary and having persuaded huge swathes of the population, including the ‘red wall’ of diehard northern labour support which stretches from coast to coast, to vote entirely against their long-held principles, they have discovered the dictator’s magic wand. The algorithm. This discovery chimes perfectly with the unwritten (and unsaid) rule of this and all previous administrations, which demands an absolute refusal to ever publicly question the general population’s ability to engage in real political issues,“Are you actually saying,” goes the line of soulless Cummings stooges like Mark Francois, “that the British public are stupid enough to allow Russian bots and other agencies of disinformation to influence their judgement? How dare you!” I reject this calculated, passive-aggressive piffle, particularly when it issues from an over-inflated air balloon like Francois, and I rebut it thus: If what all politicians claim to believe about the innate ‘common sense’ of the populace were true, the pernicious advertising industry, an ever-expanding sphere of influence which has been successfully hoodwinking the entire world for over a century, would surely have declared early bankruptcy.


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