WHO’S THE FAIREST?

I think Batty Boris has one of those mirrors similar to the one employed by the wicked queen in Snow White. As he stares into it like Narcissus at the pool, he sees a composite image of Winston Churchill and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, instead of a flabbier version of Mary Shelley’s badly-sewn monster, which is what is actually staring into it.


WHY ISN’T NIGEL FARAGE IN QUARANTINE?

Is it because of our “national interest”, which was the trumped-up reason he got to fly to Donald’s under-attended rabble-rousing rally in Tulsa? Farage’s USA trip came about despite a UK visitor ban being in place. He was allowed entry for reasons of “national interest” by The Department of Homeland Security after initially being prevented from boarding his flight. But what on earth could those “national interests” be? A shortage of idiots in the White House seems unlikely. Benny Thompson, a Democratic member of the US House of Representatives has begun an investigation into Farage’s “troubling” entry into the country. But where is the UK investigation into his return, which broke all guidelines including suspension of travel and defiance of a strict 14-day quarantine as he mugged to camera whilst guzzling a pint in his local? The UK Government website warns that on re-entry, if you do not self-isolate for 14 days, you can be fined £1,000. Cough up frogface!


RULES RULES OK?

So far, in the PC (Post-Cummings) dystopia, only three people have been fined for transgressing the new ‘rules’ (How can even intelligent people be expected to know what they are, when ministers clearly don’t?)
Rule 1. Once you have engaged the mob, it is foolhardy to upset them. 


GOGGLEBOX

Still think the BBC is biased? Living in America for just a week will cure you of this misapprehension. In just seven days you will discover why its huddled, under-educated masses, (all of them raised from the cradle on TV commercials promoting cheap processed food and pointless tat, agenda-based, politically skewed news channels and the firm idea that everyone should carry a gun) are happy to march behind a third-rate reality TV host with a massive personality problem.


PIER OPENS

The pier is open again, and to everyone’s relief is being run by experienced people who care and have common sense. The opening, attended of course by our titular ‘Lord Mayor’, was shrouded in some controversy after a picture in The Hastings Observer appeared to show the Right Worshipful One huddled with a bunch of people who hadn’t, apparently, heard about the virus. I love this quote from ‘a pier representative’: “I am aware as a professional photographer (sic) that sometimes the angle of the camera can distort spacing etc., but social distancing guidelines were adhered to at all times for the safety of visitors and the team”. For those of us unfamiliar with the mendacious qualities of the photographic image, he explained: “The photo of the crowd doesn’t show the distance between each person because the shot was taken directly in front of the crowd (and) the visitors all adhered to social distancing guidelines.”

A professional photographer? Who could that be? Lest we forget, one former ‘pier representative’ is the Right Honourable Lord Brett of The Umbrellas, 9th Earl of Norfolk, funeral photographer, crime scene investigator and graphic designer extraordinaire, who is also an award-winning award winner. 


TALKING BIG JOBS 

Being multi-talented is all very well, but when is Billy Bunter-lookalike Mark Francois going to realise that in the current UK administration, the post of BS propagator-in-chief has already been filled?


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