Let’s not beat about the bush. Dominic Cummings is a dangerous threat to parliamentary democracy, not to mention innocent motorists. This is a man who is apparently unable to empathise or apologise, to the extent that he has to concoct a ridiculous cock and bull story about testing his eyesight by driving down a motorway instead of just owning up. Surely he is the last person who ought to be advising our titular PM. It was right and proper that he got a pasting for that ridiculous and unnecessary trip, but where were the media during last Christmas’s Brexit-coup, when this unelected and unqualified nerd was installed as proxy prime minister? In the pub? Al Capone was jailed for tax evasion, but at least the danger was removed. Sack Cummings now. 


We are once more in the midst of a Downing Street smear campaign – this time against, of all people, the teachers and unions who rightly question the safety of reopening schools so soon. Can anyone tell me why, as the controversy rages over whether school staff are being provided with even the right advice, no one is asking this important question – are teachers being supplied with PPE in, for example, Denmark? 


How come Nigel Farage is still using that ridiculous Donald Trump intro on his LBC radio show? “Thank you Donald”, he says to his microphone, as though blissfully unaware that even stupid people now recognise that Trump is certifiably insane, and a great danger to his own country
as well as the wider world? A petulant teenager trapped inside a paranoid bag of wind whose only recourse to a perfectly fair question is to shout fake news, or – as in his latest tantrum, to halt a journalist’s question and storm out in a huff – is not a good person to be associated with, however much it inflates your own sense of self-importance.

Nige, we at Lobbytroll love your show, but not for the reasons you’d like. Our Sunday mornings are brightened up no end by your risible reactionary low-grade racism and your appeal to the lowest possible common denominator. You are indeed a man for all seasons, provided each one resembles the sunny uplands of your unreliable memoirs. I note you broke social distancing advice and visited Hastings recently, doubtless in order to monitor all those economic migrants coming for your job. Actually, you haven’t really got a job have you?


Looks like Covid-19 self-isolation is finally turning people into babbling nincompoops. I note that even this newspaper is beginning to provide scientifically unsound advice about avoiding vaccination, should a vaccine be discovered. I’m as gullible and fact-hungry as the next man or woman and look forward to further articles on advanced lizard theory, scientology and the flatness of the earth. The latter is entirely unnecessary of course, since hard evidence shows us that the earth is flat and the only reason we don’t fall off is because David Icke is praying for us.

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