Lobbytroll’s already limited capacity for tolerating precocious children was seriously breached recently when the BBC broadcast a 1982 archive recording of a 12-year-old child bragging about his stock market investments. When the little horror was asked what he did with the money his shares earned, he replied (in an accent rarely heard outside of a 1940s Ealing comedy) “Well I either reinvest it or buy antiques – antique silver.” What kind of responsible adult could possibly have developed from this chilling example of inherited psychopathy? Why, none other than that champion of Victorian values, defender of the British Empire and top-hatted friend of the proletariat…. Jacob Rees-Mogg! Lobbytroll was fortunate enough to have had a David Davis-style sick bucket to hand.

10.20am: Trump kisses Macron and tells assembled press “I love this guy”
10.23am: Macron blushes demurely and says something French.
10.32am: Trump removes speck of dandruff from Macron’s jacket shoulder.
10.35am: Macron pokes Q-tip in Donald’s ear and shows audience earwax.
10.40am: Trump accuses Macron of having dirty shirt collar.
10.55am: Macron moves in for kiss, sniffs Donald’s breath and makes face.
11.01am: Trump offers to shake hands but at last minute pulls hand away, puts thumb on nose and wiggles fingers
11.05am: Macron says Trump’s mother is a worn out crack-whore.
11.07am: Donald tells Macron his wife is a “low 3” and he “definitely wouldn’t do her”.
11.10am: Macron asks Trump to pull his finger.
11.11am: Trump ignores offer, puts hand down back of Macron’s trousers and gives him a wedgie.

Has our Home Secretary lost it? Her cabinet post I mean, not her increasingly slender-looking constituency majority, which plunged like a home-made submarine after the disastrous 2016 general election. Diving from a respectable 4,796 in 2015, it now languishes at 346, and after her latest series of ill-informed immigration gaffes, the MP for Hastings and Rye’s prospects of retaining even that tiny majority appear dimmer than ever. To add to the misery, here’s what she tweeted after her confused response to customs union questions at a Press Gallery Lunch: “Thanks to the Press Gallery for hosting me at a challenging yet enjoyable lunch. I should have been clearer – of course when we leave the EU we will be leaving the customs union. I wasn’t going to get into ongoing cabinet discussions about our future trading relationship.” Well that’s OK then!


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