CORONA – LATEST GOVERNMENT ADVICE

Sombre military music. A man with strange hair enters a badly-lit studio and in a low monotone, recites these words from an autocue:

Things are going to get difficult, yes. But in these troubled times, what we need to avoid at all costs is the clear-cut advice of so-called experts, containing as it does, unambiguous common sense based on a lifetime of accumulated knowledge. What we must do instead is clear; I must encourage all of you, as concerned, socially aware citizens, to pay much more attention to those people who, without a shred of evidence, disseminate total baloney all over our Wild-West style social media, most of it contradict-ing all the recommendations of responsible health organisations. I’m asking you to share this disinformation with as many ‘friends’ as you can. At the same time, why not help stem the spread of this disease by blaming COVID-19 on everything you might have taken a personal dislike to over the years, like Brexit, or immigration? Adding things like: “It’s only another type of seasonal flu FFS, spread by 5G, David Icke, The Labour Party, The Freemasons and Jehovah’s Witnesses” will ensure your online popularity flourishes.


MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH 

In a scenario reminiscent of Roger Corman’s 1964 adaptation of Edgar Allen Poe’s tale of jaded aristocrats taking refuge in a castle during a deadly plague, Thai King Maha Vajiralongkorn has pluckily decided to self-isolate in a luxury Alpine hotel with a harem of 20 concubines and a large staff (119 of which had to be sent home having developed Coronavirus symptoms). It is not known whether any of his four wives have been invited to the party, nor if he has hired a man in an orangutan suit to swing from the chandeliers. In Thailand, public criticism of the monarchy is an offence punishable by up to 15 years in jail. It is yet to be made an offence here in the UK however, so Lobbytroll invites you all to join in the utter condemnation of a preposterous, greedy, over-privileged hereditary despot with the cold dead heart of a zombie.


ONE FLU OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST

Now reportedly the people’s choice to replace Bungling Boris should he become more incapacitated than he clearly already is, Chancellor Rishi Sunak strikes me as a man who is even more surprised than the electorate to find himself in such an important job. Having already been caught off guard by suddenly having to announce the budget, the former investment banker has now been thrust, helpless, into the glaring headlights of an oncoming Covid-19 truck with a dodgy MOT. Now, he was told to say, we are to be caring Socialists, but in a Conservative way. During his emergency budget amendment, it became evident that rookie Rishi’s voice-coach was self-isolating. This forced the uncharismatic Chancellor to speak in standard issue budgetspeak – a cliché-laden pot-pourri of meaningless forecasts delivered with an air of faux-optimism and fake sincerity, when what was required was the carefully modulated tone of a bearer-of-unpleasant-truths. This made him sound, in his post-covid announcement, like the rather dim child who has been made school captain because all the other boys are off sick.


I PUT A SMELL ON YOU

After the former leader of the SNP, Alex Salmand, was acquitted of sexual offences against nine women, his QC Jackson Gordon, Dean of Faculty of Advocates in Scotland and a learned man as you would imagine, was recorded by an observant fellow train passenger as he revealed that Salmand was “an objectionable bully to his staff “and “an arsehole … who is a nasty person to work for.” He then went on to reveal the names of three of the key witnesses for the prosecution – strictly forbidden and a contempt of court under Scottish law – one of whom he tried to persuade the jury was “a flake.” Of another, he described how he had wanted to “put a smell on her.” In case you didn’t know, that erudite phrase is a legal euphemism, lawyer-speak for trashing a witness’s reputation in order to discredit his or her evidence to the jury. What does this tell us about privilege, hubris and a class-tiered justice system where for the right amount of money, you can hire a highly educated contemptable shit who will happily skew the facts in your favour? In an act of contrite humility, Gordon has now reported himself to the Scottish Legal Complaints Commission, the unbiased outcome of which we all await with baited breath.


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