A few years ago, a tear in the fabric of the space-time continuum occurred, and through this portal fell Liz Truss, former resident of a parallel universe. This happy (for her) accident coincided with a government inclusivity drive, which posited that even vacuous airheads and political morons ought to be given a fair suck of the lemon when it comes to cabinet appointments. Thus the terminally poisonous Michael Gove, the bouffanted bonk-artist Boris Johnson, David Davis, the Taj Mahal of smug dullness and more recently, (having a go at being Secretary of State for Transport after urinating on all the other chips he was put in charge of), ex BBC producer Chris Grayling, have all been allowed to have a go at running important parts of the country. Now empty-headed, charmless Liz “Cheese Means Cheese” Truss, infected by the inevitable hubris that comes with being recognised, has threatened to resign from her pretend post of Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs unless the PM cosies up to foaming-at-the-mouth Brextremists like The European Research Group (ERG). Thankfully, relentless though Mrs May’s drive for cabinet diversity and inclusivity is, the ERG’s filthy rich investment banking cheerleader Jacob Rees-Mogg was considered far too barking mad to be considered for positive discrimination. Lobbytroll says: “Go for it Liz”. The opportunities for colossal clangers and embarrassing non sequiturs in the world of privately-funded cheese, particularly post-Brexit, are many. A talent like yours is wasted in government.  

(pardon my French)
Town laughing stock Brett McLean, aka “Lord Haha”, award-winning funeral photographer and crime scene investigator, not satisfied with trumpeting his fake title, his ever expanding string of charity endorsements, his ludicrously immature and overblown CV and his emetic, brown-tongued and utterly false tales of Abid Gulzar’s business “success”, now has the nerve to publicly compound the lie that Mr Gulzar did not make a certain statement during an interview with Emma Harwood of this newspaper (an interview the semi-literate McLean refers to as “an article”). I was present when Mr Gulzar made his infamous “dead wood” comment, (it wasn’t the worst one either), and furthermore I was responsible for recording it for posterity. I am in possession of this recording, and if the Mr McLean wishes, would be more than happy to post the incriminating audio. Even in the face of indisputable evidence however, I have no doubt that this fraudulent bag of hot air will, in the style of the great liar himself, Donald Trump, continue to deny the diarrhoea whilst simultaneously stinking out the room.

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