Anyone for PM? Champion of the low-income obese Boris Johnson has been reduced, in the absence of any discernible policies which are not dog-whistle soundbites, to ridiculous non sequiturs and verbal wiff-waffle. The half-dead Tory members, it appears, are not only able to swallow wildly improbable statements and laugh like drains at things which are plainly not funny, but are also capable of electing as party leader (and PM by default), a ridiculous tie-wearing toad. As one member put it: “The common toad, or bufo bufo, is a vastly underrated amphibian which has received particularly bad publicity, much of it wart-related. Ties, lest we forget, are essential items of clothing, and as President Trump has demonstrated, there is no such thing as a ridiculous tie.”

Rival contender Jeremy ‘foxy’ Hunt is himself no stranger to dog-whistle politics. As he shamelessly tongue-tickled the worn-out sphincters of the 160,000 Conservative Party members by appearing to back the reintroduction of foxhunting with dogs, he presumed he was on to a vote-winner. But before you could say “capital punishment” or “child chimney sweeps” he was forced into what any normal person would regard as a seriously embarrassing U-turn.

I received the following important information recently, which made me want to vomit. It purports to be from The Luna Cinema, which claims it is “the UK’s leading open-air cinema company”, although in a field of how many, it does not say:

Love Island The Experience will be delivered (sic) by The Luna Cinema, and will take place from 19th July for eleven nights at Madeira Drive on Brighton Beach. The site will be transformed into a “fully Love Island branded event space” (sic), and will boast the UK’s highest definition outdoor LED screens to show a live episode every night.

Are we being invaded by 1950s B-movie alien seedpods from outer space, or am I dreaming? Is keeping the populace in a permanent state of adolescence the new enlightenment? In case you think I’m making this rubbish up, here’s the official lowdown on the whole revolting caper:

“Audiences at Love Island The Experience can look forward to the ultimate environment for fans to immerse themselves in the massively popular ITV2 show, which centres around a group of ‘Islanders’ looking for love whilst living in isolation [sic] in a villa in Mallorca. At the event, guests can experience unique sharable photo opportunities [sic] in the most iconic settings from the show, such as the fire pit, the bedroom, and the beach hut diary room. There will be a walk of fame [sic] where audience members can pose with their favourite islanders, as well as a giant version of the ubiquitous Love Island Water Bottle [projectile sic]. Fantastic food will be on offer, as well as a themed Love Island cocktail bar. The event will boast exclusive guest appearances from departing Islanders and each live episode will be followed by an after-party with a specially curated playlist.”

Was there ever a better reason not to move to Brighton?

We hope you have enjoyed reading this article. The future of our volunteer led, non-profit publication would be far more secure with the aid of a small donation. You can also support local journalism by becoming a friend of HIP. It only takes a minute and we would be very grateful.