We in the Lobbytroll office listened, slack-jawed, to the upright moral arbiter and disgraced ex-cabinet minister David Mellor bleating at length on Radio 5 recently. He was pontificating about the amorality of using football as a pathway to sex. We wondered if the bonking buffoon was wearing his Chelsea FC kit during the interview?
Sour Milk Tray
Cadbury’s, who’s originally Quaker-owned business was gobbled up by the giant multinational Mondelez, has backed out of its promise to use only Fairtrade cocoa in its chocolate products. Oh dear, what will happen to their recently acquired Green & Black’s organic range now?
Amber’s Back Door Act
The new Investigatory Powers Act (Snooper’s charter), being put through parliament by the Prime Minister and our Home Secretary, will demand that all internet service providers include inbuilt weaknesses in the backdoor of encryption software, which will mean that anything received or sent online can be intercepted and logged by the government. This, combined with the The Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014, means that you could get in trouble for watching the following types of pornography and there’s nothing you can do to hide your filthy viewing: Spanking, Caning, Aggressive whipping, Penetration by any object “associated with violence”, Physical or verbal abuse (regardless of if consensual), Urolagnia (known as “water sports”), Role-playing as nonadults, Physical restraint, Humiliation, Female ejaculation, Strangulation, Facesitting, and Fisting. Of course, MPs are exempt from the Investigatory Powers Act, so there will be no telling if any of these themes appear in Amber’s search history.
One Hundred & Weighty
Spear chucker Eric Bristow, the gobby, overweight pub-sport champ, has been dropped like a hot dart by his sponsors after declaring on twitter that he was “glad he was a real man”, and that “footballers are wimps”. His career-ending tweet read; “Might be a looney tune, but if some football coach was touching me when I was a kid, as I got older I would have went (sic) back and sorted that poof out”. Don’t worry Eric, you’re not a Loony Tune, just an ignorant beer-bellied prick.
The ex-pats of Florida have been dancing in the streets to celebrate the death of Fidel Castro, a “ruthless dictator”, who transformed their country from a mafia-controlled rich man’s pleasure dome, to (according to them), a place of “abject misery”. Lobbytroll would like to respectfully point out that the people of South LA, Detroit, and many other depressed locations throughout the USA are in such abject misery that they elected as their president an ignorant orange sociopath with zero human empathy and a limitless, undisguised capacity for rapacious greed. Pick the bones out of that one.
Balls On His Toes
Desperate unemployed politician Ed Balls has been voted out again. This time not by dissatisfied members of his constituency, but by viewers of the BBC’s early evening eyevalium, Strictly Come Dancing. How tragic. Pardon me whilst I throw up into my tap shoes.
The Oval Orifice
Speaking of idiocy, The Donald has suggested that Nigel Farage be made US ambassador to Britain. Surely an unelected, failed politician with a Napoleon complex has no place within political discourse, let alone the delicate ballet of diplomacy? Also, his irritating smug-ugly face is disturbing in a Jeremy Clarkson sort of way.
As the price of the conversion of West Ham FC’s unsuitable former Olympic stadium heads for the stratosphere (£720m so far), we discover that the removable seats installed by now-liquidated contractors Alto Seating, take 2 weeks to remove, and two weeks to put back in! Those aren’t removable seats lads, they are just seats.