The column which thinks that a cambio is as good as a siesta

READER: You know what’s missing from this column, don’t you?
MYSELF: A crossword?
READER: Wow! How did you know I was going to say that?
MYSELF: Oddly enough, I know everything you’re going to say.

(See up there)
The first correct entry will receive a set of golf clubs signed by Justin Beiber, a steam-powered mousetrap, a 12-month posting in Afghanistan and a limited edition print of Bowl of Weetabix I Spilled on my Persian Carpet by Tracy Emin. Answers on a souvenir postcard featuring the Taj Mahal or 300gm goatskin vellum to: [email protected]

Parsnips (n) where your dad gets his hair cut

Confidential unqualified advice for the needy, the lovelorn or the just plain confused

Dear Wendy, I wonder if you can help me out. My husband’s 50th birthday comes up next month and he has all the gadgets a man could ever wish for (including that one he keeps in his shed and refuses to tell me what it’s for). He’s very musical but has recently acquired acute incontinence which prevents him from continuing with his part-time job as our local church organist. What can I buy him for his special day?
Mia Tryfel, Rumpelstiltskin Ave., Beyondenden.

Dear Mrs. Tryfel, It will be my pleasure. I can think of no more appropriate a gift for your talented yet cruelly afflicted spouse than the Pump ‘n Dump Commodium
by Wurlitzer. With this air-powered medically-approved reed organ, your husband can relax, safe in the knowledge that his musical doodling will be uninterrupted by the ominous rumble of nature calling unannounced. Not only will his bowel movements be gently assisted by the foot-operated pedals which pump pressurised air into the Commodium’s unique reed system, but all unpleasant waste and its attendant odours will be efficiently taken care of by the chaise percée – styled piano stool, once it is fully plumbed to an outside septic tank. The Wurlitzer ‘Pump ‘n Dump’ Commodium comes with a free starter sample roll of ‘sheet music’ toilet paper featuring a selection of ‘relaxative’ tunes for your husband’s ‘musical edefecation’, including Poop John B,  Exodus, Que Sewer Sewer, These Stoolish Things, and many more.

Dear Wendy, I am shortly to embark on a Caribbean cruise but suffer terribly from seasickness. Is there a sure-fire preventative measure I could take to avoid the agony and embarrassment of Mal de Mer? (name and address withheld), Shortwinding.

Dear (name and address withheld), Ocean cruises can be a risky business, particularly in the area of potentially fatal food-poisoning, or stultifying boredom brought on by forced integration with the intellectually challenged. Seasickness may turn out to be the least of your problems, but as far as I am aware, the best method of preventing it is to sit under a tree.

The navel-gazing homogenisation of modern television was amply demonstrated during last month’s National Soap & Reality TV Awards 2018, hosted by Dec. (or was it Ant?) For instance, Britain’s Dullest Police Chases was jointly nominated with Jamie Oliver’s broadly similar UK’s Top 100 Police Cheeses. Similarly, BBC’s Come Darn With Me jostled for honours with ITV’s hit show Weave Swap. For the fifth year running, rival soaps Shut It You Slag! and Asbo Square battled it out for top slot. The smart money was on Asbo with its issue-driven storyline featuring Chardonnay’s backstreet heart transplant, but Slag’s tear-jerking two-hander where Stacey cuts off Grant’s penis with a Stanley knife and feeds it to Dotty, his Bull Mastiff, finally triumphed in a photo-finish. On the comedy front, controversial reality stand-up Alec Froth took the honours with his cutting edge satire Incest and Morris Dancing.

‘Terpsichore’, one of my stool-pigeons, has tipped me off that Heinz, of ‘57 varieties’ fame, plan to relaunch ‘Salad Cream’, (first retailed in 1914, from a secret recipe which originally included mustard gas, opium and ferret sperm), with a new name, ‘Sandwich Cream’. The decision was made after discovering that only 14% of those who buy the stuff actually use it on salad (the other 86% utilise it in widely differing ways, such as lubricating the axles of squeaky wheelbarrows or as a cure for thrush). They decided to rebrand the sickly mayonnaise-substitute by consulting consumers, who, in a close-fought contest, voted
for ‘Sandwich Cream’ over ‘Hair Cream’ which itself only just pipped ‘Creamy McCreamface’
as the corporate gloop’s new moniker.

Would Mrs. Enid Wrath kindly send her address to this newspaper, as she has won first prize (one year’s supply of budgerigar shampoo) in our competition to write a poem describing Mr. Michael Gove (Environment Secretary as we go to press). We reproduce it here:

Like a litter’s unpopular runt,
Or a car in a multiple shunt
Were the view from the rear
Not enough of a scare,
It’s decidedly worse from the front.

Sausage life!

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