The column which mumbles incoherently in order to get away with murder.

READER: I know we agreed never to discuss religious matters on here…
MYSELF: Or politics.
READER: …but as a recovering Catholic, do you approve of women bishops?
MYSELF: No, I am not in favour of women bishops…
READER: Really? That’s not very Woke.
MYSELF: I will ignore your lukewarm demonstration of social media cliché-awareness and attempt to explain: I am not in favour of women bishops, nor do I approve of men bishops, rabbit bishops, kangaroo bishops, slippery-eel bishops, Zimmerman’s Gazelle bishops, Shih Tzu bishops, gala melon bishops, tutu-wearing ballerina bishops, bishops with two heads, bishops who like Miles Davis, or joke-telling bishops who play the acoustic guitar and hand out tambourines. I hope that clears things up.


SEQUEL HITS UK THEATRES
Groundhog Day 2 (Columbia Pictures, Dir: Harold Ramis)

The long-awaited follow up to Bill Murray’s 1993 smash-hit Groundhog Day has finally arrived in the UK after its opening release shattered US box office records nationwide. Hardcore fans of the movie, dubbed Groundhoggers,  will be delighted to learn that the cast, crew director, script, and music are all exactly the same as the original Groundhog Day. Murray’s TV weatherman Phil Connors is sent to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to cover the Groundhog Day ceremony, where he begins to experience the same day over and over again. Every morning he wakes up to his alarm/radio playing I Got You Babe by Sonny and Cher, and… oh but I don’t want to spoil it for you. Here’s what one US critic said: “Cinema goers are witnessing the birth of a new super-franchise. With the release of Groundhog Day 2, Columbia Pictures may have discovered their own Star Wars. This is what excited Groundhogger Ron Butt of Rambeaux, Illinois told me: “Groundhog Day 2 is exactly what we’ve been waiting for. Me and my friends watched it 15 times just on opening night.”

Columbia Pictures plan to reissue the original movie, digitally remastered and retitled Groundhog Day 3, in late Autumn 2020. 


I’M GETTING A BOB OR A PHIL OR A RITA

Our chief paranormal correspondent spoke to Psychic Doris, the Hastings clairvoyant who can foretell the future and speak to deceased relatives on your behalf, after she announced recently that she is now doing telephone Parma Ham readings (Vegan options available on request). “Whilst a client is on the line,”  she explained, “I throw five slices of specially cured Parma Ham up in the air and according to how they land on the floor, I divine things.” Asked how that might work, she replied cryptically,  “Parma Ham has its own mystical power. Once it’s fallen, It’s all down to how I interpret the patterns.” What influences, we wondered, affected her interpretations?  “Cash is an enormous factor,” she told us, “because my interpretations work on a sliding scale. For £5 I might interpret, say, a vague prediction of a possible future event. A £10 interpretation would get you an optimistic message from a dead pet or relative and so on, all the way up to my Class – A Premium Interpretation, where for £750+VAT you can actually watch me casting and interpreting the Parma Ham in your own home. The Premium Interpretation also comes with dead-cert horseracing tips, stock market advice and one year’s membership of my exclusive money-laundering service Klensokash.” (Better leave that last one out-ed). As she was leaving, she offered our reporter a free £5 reading. Producing a prepared package of fragrant Parma Ham from her bag, she selected five slices and hurled them in the air whence most of them plummeted to the floor, forming a mystically random pile on the carpet. One of them however had managed to lodge itself firmly in the grill of a ventilation unit near the ceiling. The seer glared at the stranded slice, as it waved, mockingly, in the airflow, then, closing her eyes tightly, she began to speak in tongues, a sign that she had made contact with her spirit guides, Billy Butlin and Walt Disney. Suddenly her turquoise eyelids flapped open like a till and she fixed me with a malevolent stare. “What goes up won’t necessarily come down”  she whispered mysteriously, before bagging up the Ham and wafting out.


WARRIORS WOE AS INJURY TOLL MOUNTS

Hastings & St Leonards Warriors’ team selection looks to be a major worry for the rest of the 19/20 season, after news of Craig Cattermole’s groin and Nobby Balaclava’s calf injury  stunned training staff. According to a source close to the club (thought to be new director of football Dominic Cummings), staff have been warned that under the new regime any player acquiring an injury which results in a non-appearance will be dismissed. He is reported to be “furious” that midfield dynamo Balaclava picked up his calf injury while working at his father’s dairy farm the day before a match, which is where the calf fell on top of him. “There is no room in modern football,” hissed the evil genius, “for hayseed morons with no grasp of algorithmic manipulation.”. At a hastily-arranged press conference, Dick Bozo, Cummings’ newly appointed manager was wheeled out to dismiss the doubters. “Groin? Phoarrrr! Bingbong!” he told reporters.

Sausage Life!


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