The column which throws stones even though it lives in a glass house
READER: Happy New Year!
MYSELF: For whom?
READER: What’s up now, Dr. Doom?
MYSELF: Er…the election result?
READER: Oh the election! I’d quite forgotten about that! Anyway, have you seen Cats – The Movie yet?
MYSELF: No. And I also haven’t seen The Age of Steam 2, Classic Engines of 1945-1957 yet, although the reviews have been good.
READER: Does it have belting Andrew Lloyd Webber songs and James Corden in it?
MYSELF: Thankfully not, although Corden does remind me of a type ‘R’ 0-6-0 industrial tank locomotive, doggedly hauling a procession of clanking coal trucks up an incline.
READER: You should see him as a cat, he’s Purrfect.
MYSELF: If you turn to page 15, you will see that type of pun much more eloquently expressed by our reviewer
READER: I look forward to reading that!
MYSELF: I wouldn’t if I were you.
The directors of Hastings & St Leonard’s Warriors FC have appointed Dominic Cummings as director of football. Wasting no time in setting out his stall, Cummings immediately sacked the entire board and the Warriors’ playing staff. Italian manager Sergio ‘The Horse’ Peccadillo was next to get the boot, replaced by former Herstmonceaux Cannibals’ supremo and arch-buffoon Dick ‘The Clown’ Bozo. At a hastily convened press conference, we heard that under the new regime, the 120-year-old club’s rich history of tradition is to be ripped up and replaced by what Mr. Cummings refers to as ‘micromanagement’, a system in which only his carefully controlled version of events is leaked to a specially selected quota of soccer journalists and media hacks. “That goes for you too, capiche?” he barked at Janine, our junior sports reporter. Sporting the sallow, unshaven visage and mad staring eyes of a sleep-deprived heroin addict and wearing his trademark stained white shirt with the Harry Hill collar, the evil prince of darkness told us: “I’m tearing up the rulebook. Football is saturated with ignorant self-serving morons and by dismissing the board and the entire playing staff, I am demonstrating an intention to drain the wall and build an impenetrable swamp around this club. In my brave new world-view, useless hangers-on like referees and linesmen are redundant and will be forced to find proper jobs with zero hours contracts like everyone else.” After pausing to kick to death a cute puppy which had wandered into the room, he continued, “Football today is a rush-hour gridlock of overloaded sh*t-wagons which only a sociopathic Machiavellian genius like myself is capable of sorting out. In future, instead of depending on the fickle vagaries of skill and chance, results will be based on data provided by Facebook, Instagram and Google Earth. Following a bit of number-crunching by Cambridge Analytica, points will be awarded on that basis alone. The kind of results arrived at by arbitrary ‘goals’ using the tired old method of kicking the ‘ball’ into the back of the ‘net’, will no longer be tolerated. The new intake of players will be required to sign a pledge of loyalty to me, which will be binding. I’m not messing about here. Any player disobeying my rules will be expelled from the club, after having one foot amputated. From now on it’s my decision that counts, and if you don’t like it you can f**k off. Manager Dick Bozo’s sole job will be to spread the innuendo and false rumours I provide to him about all the other teams and distract attention from me by generally clowning around making a complete arse of himself, because let’s face it, everyone loves a tosser. My aim is to manipulate Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC into the premier league by 2025, and then destroy it.”
Asked for a quote, Warriors’ new manager Dick Bozo shouted through a megaphone: “It is important to remember that 2020 is a leap year. All Saturday games will take place on Fridays, except in April, when Fridays are suspended. Fat Tuesday will be on a Wednesday.”
Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber has announced that following the success of Cats-The Movie, his latest venture is to be a musical adaptation of TS Eliot’s epic poem The Wasteland. Described by the plagiaristic peer as a “post-apocalyptic romp” it will feature Sir Lawrence Olivier and Frankie Howard, who will appear courtesy of Pixar’s new afterlife technology MorgueX.
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