The column that puts its brolly up even though it isn’t raining

READER: I see Boris is finally getting his point across at last.MYSELF: In what way exactly is the PM finally getting his point across? And please stop calling him Boris, like he’s an old mate.
READER: Why? Boris has the common touch. I feel as though he’s speaking to me personally. He says he’s going to “whack” the Withdrawal Agreement Bill “in the microwave, gas mark… I’m not very good at cooking… gas mark four. Prick the lid. Put it in, and then we can get on… we can put this deal through Parliament.”
MYSELF: Well apart from the woeful windbag not knowing the difference between a microwave and an oven, the only applicable word I see in that lame attempt at tickling the gormless corpses who attend his rallies, is the word “prick.”
READER: Are you seriously suggesting that Boris is not possessed of a coruscating, razor sharp wit?
MYSELF: On the contrary, as a humourist he’s right up there with Edgar Allen Poe.
READER: My point exactly.


Sponsored Ads
SMILING COW TOOTHPASTE
All the dependability of toothpaste, all the ZING of cheese
Wouldn’t we all prefer our teeth to glow like radioactive tombstones, just like our favourite TV stars? Of course we would! Well now thanks to advances in dental science, you can dazzle oncoming motorists with your full-beam grin. Smiling Cow contains 5% extract of Swiss mountain cheese, combined with hexadura-lyposuction 43, dehydrassium diachloride and fish scales. The shiny glint of success combined with the smug smirk of certainty that Smiling Cow gives you will turn your life into a constant carousel of celebrity-style events. 

We are proud to announce that Smiling Cow is now available to UK consumers, thanks to the Surgeon General’s decision to ban it in the USA.


FOOTBALL HEADLINES
The Saudi Arabian Football Federation (SAFF) has announced that in future, referees will no longer be beheaded at the end of the game. “It’s an old Saudi tradition, which has fallen out of step with current mores”, said SAFF’s president Wacka Jawacka. “If we are to be taken seriously as respected actors on the world soccer stage, we must make efforts to modernise”. Starting from the 2020/21 season, at the final whistle the referee will instead be subject to 500 lashes and have his head shaved.


BOOK OF THE MONTH
With Christmas skulking just around the corner, keen readers wishing to take advantage of November whilst it is still cold, mIght enjoy my Book Recommendation, The Overcrowded Hammock by Emma Tendril (Bargle, Bogle & Burglar £16.99). The delicately woven plot of this, the third in her series of bodice-ripping zombie sea yarns, takes a sudden unusual twist when, during the course of a solo transatlantic yacht race, twenty unexpected guests are forced to board the tiny sailing craft Tantric Trump following its near fatal collision with a raft of illegal Scottish sheep smugglers off The Azores. Parental guidance.


OPERA REVIEW
Anyone who still doubts that Hastings is a city of c ulture should look no further than this recent item from the latest edition of Opera Buff:   “Police were called to The White Rock Theatre, Hastings, last Thursday, where a star-studded performance of Putini’s epic aria-fest La Morte Radioattivi was rudely interrupted.  According to witnesses, at the crucial point where Anastasia, (played by Korean diva Mimi Mee), bids a tearful farewell to her tragic lover, the gas fitter Manchego (Medved Oligarki), a poison tipped umbrella plummeted like a stone from the overhead lighting gantry, fatally piercing Ms. Mee’s heaving bosom. The audience, assuming it was part of the production, applauded like seals until the police arrived with tear gas.

My verdict on the evening? Expensive seats. Poor parking facilities. Hot-dogs £7-50. Toilets jammed with solicitors snorting cocaine during the interval. Carpet in foyer sticky. Tattooed doorman drunk. Obese transvestite wedged in doors of lift. Apart from that, excellent! #operabuff”


READER:  As tragic as all that may be, I personally found Ms Mee’s vibrato somewhat grating.
MYSELF:  Quite so, indeed, but on the other hand, her understated tutti mezzo pelligrini during the callabrio magnifico was stunning, particularly as it was sung gusto termino with a sustinato con malapropi substituted for the original castinetto
READER:  Thank you for pointing that out.

Next week I shall be reviewing Bastardo Grasso’s Quando La Signora Corpulenta Canta at The Hastings Angling Club.


POETRY NOW
Percy Thrower MBE (30 January 1913– 18 March 1988) was the BBC’s voice of gardening from 1956 until 1976. Mr. Cuthbert String of Eastbourne has sent us this heartfelt tribute:

PERCY THROWER
The final words
Of Percy Thrower
Dragged from the wreck of his blazing mower:
“Life is short
Pull out the stops
Plant fast
Prune young
And have a good looking copse
Life is neat
Its short and sweet
A grave we all can dance on
So live fast
Die young
And make sure you’ve got clean pants on”

Sausage Life!


We hope you have enjoyed reading this article. The future of our volunteer led, non-profit publication would be far more secure with the aid of a small donation. You can also support local journalism by becoming a friend of HIP. It only takes a minute and we would be very grateful.