The column that self inflates, but is difficult to get back in the bag

MYSELF: What are you doing up there?
READER: I’m conducting an experiment.
MYSELF:  Well seeing as you’re on top of a stepladder, would you mind removing that cobweb dangling from the ceiling?
READER:  As soon as I’ve changed this light bulb. 
MYSELF:  Exactly what sort of experiment is this?
READER:  I’m trying to prove that changing a light bulb only takes one imaginary character to accomplish.
MYSELF: Who, pray, has suggested otherwise?
READER: A bloke I met in a pub.
MYSELF: An imaginary bloke in an imaginary pub.
READER: I suppose so, yes.
MYSELF:  And he said it would take two imaginary characters to change a light bulb; one to make up the fact that the bulb had gone, and one to go to an imaginary shop to buy a new one, I suppose?
READER: How on earth did you know that?
MYSELF (tapping side of nose): Mum’s the word, loose lips sink ships, careless talk costs lives. Let’s just say I keep my ear to the ground.


THE BIG FIGHT
With ringside seats reputedly going for anything up to £5 a pair, tickets for next Saturday’s grudge match between disgraced ex-champion slugger Typhoon Anger and Irish bare-knuckle brawler Sean ‘Pookah’ O’Hoolahoy are, according to promoters Fightintalk Inc, “very nearly sold out”.  Dubbed ‘fight of the week’ by pundits, this glove-fest is already the number one social media talking point for Queensbury Rules fans. Anger’s born-again manager Ron Masarati told us: “The so-called Pookah doesn’t stand a chance. His mad sulphurous eyes and long wild mane might fool some people, but he’s no more a mythical goblin or large furry ogre than I am. He’s finished. He may have kissed the Blarney Stone, but the minute he gets in the ring with Typhoon, all he’s going to be kissing is my boy’s right hook, which incidentally is faster, deadlier and more accurate than a depleted uranium-tipped dart hurled by the legendary Eric Bristow. Let’s face it, O’Hoolahoy is yesterday’s dog biscuits. One punch from the Typhoon and he’ll be surrounded by tweeting birds. His fists are like two lead-filled galvanized buckets on the end of a steam hammer. He’s a blur. His footwork alone is worth the ticket price. Imagine Michael Flatley’s Riverdance with arms or Rudolf Nureyev with satin shorts instead of revealing lycra tights and your still not even close. You can’t even see his legs moving. If I was O’Hoolahoy I wouldn’t even bother to turn up.” 

Speaking from his office in The Cayman Islands, O’Hoolahoy’s agent Georgiou Falafel countered Maserati’s assessment: “Anger doesn’t stand a chance. The so-called Typhoon is nothing of the sort. He’s more like a half-concealed puff of malodourous air from a spoiled princess’s bottom. He’s mincemeat. My boy will annihilate him in the first round, and then annihilate him again in rounds two, three, four and five. Groundhog Day will seem like a one-off walk in the park. According to his Japanese fans, he’s more terrifying than King Kong, Godzilla and that one that looks like a giant moth, on steroids. Make no mistake, Anger is going to need more than tanks and planes once my boy has climbed up his Empire State Building. Typhoon is a pussycat, and trust me, The Pookah is no ball of wool.” The event takes place at the Salvation Army Temperance Hall, Upper Dicker on Thursday 31st October, 8-30pm. Admission strictly by ticket only, unless you just turn up on the night.


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YULE HAVE TO HAVE ONE

HIP have been given a sneak preview of Professor Gordon Thinktank’s eagerly anticipated Christmas gift catalogue. Alongside old favourites like the perforated umbrella for people who like walking in the rain, the blunt knife for stabbing friends, the three-wheeled beginner’s monocycle, the radio controlled self-emptying dustbin, and the steamless kettle for making iced tea, the Hastings’ inventor introduces some of his latest lifestyle innovations, like the EncoreMitz© noise cancelling gloves for clapping in libraries. A by-product of NATO’s lethal weapons research program; this simple but brilliant invention is described in the catalogue notes as “A game changer which will stand conventional library applause theory on its head.”

Sausage Life!


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