The column that thinks Fifty Shades of Grey is what dogs see when they are trying to choose paint in Farrow & Ball
READER: What sign are you?
MYSELF: I’m a Librarian, as if it were any of your business.
READER: Just as I thought. You’re typically……
MYSELF: (interrupting) but I ought to add that my moon is in Porcupine, and my rising sign is Stradivarius with just a hint of Balaclava…
READER: Obviously, but the….
MYSELF: …and my sun sign, (Farrago, the innermost me), is currently enjoying a confrontation with Bluto, which tends to make me very aggressive and liable to take a swing at anyone waving a tarot card in my face, particularly the one featuring the skinny bloke in the black hoody holding a scythe, the who looks like Dominic Cummings.
READER: Ah, the death card. Of course what that actually represents is…..
MYSELF: I’m perfectly aware of what it represents thank you, and now I’m beginning to think it actually is Cummings.
READER: You just don’t believe in any of this do you? Are you entirely unspiritual?
MYSELF: On the cusp perhaps. But with my retrograde Martian aspects in opposition, I can’t be too careful. You see, as long as my solar ascendant remains on a collision course with my moon sign, Asparagus, that leaves my falling sign, Algebra, shacked up in a cosy little boarding house in Aberystwith, run by a Mrs Morwenna Fastydd, a fascinating Welsh widow whose husband Meredith tragically died in a supermarket trolley stampede during the Great Laver bread shortage of 1965, and who can foretell the future by reading the bristles left over from a wet shave.
READER: Ridiculous. Who would be naïve enough to swallow that?
MYSELF: No comment.
Seventeen spectators and two dogs had to be ferried to hospital by air ambulance after rupturing their eardrums at last week’s Town Crier Festithon in Bexhill. We spoke to organisor and former town crier champion Dave Stentor, who yelled:
“OYEZ OYEZ! A WARNING, REQUIRED BY COUNCIL HEALTH & SAFETY OFFICIALS UNDER THE TOWN CRIER ACT OF 1704, WAS PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED IN THE PROGRAM. IT STATED QUITE CLEARLY THAT DECIBEL LEVELS DURING THE COMPETITION WERE LIKELY TO EXCEED SAFE LEVELS, AND THAT SHOULD ANYONE BE FOOLHARDY ENOUGH TO EXPOSE THEMSELVES TO A DANGEROUS PROXIMITY, PERMANENT EAR DAMAGE MAY ENSUE, FOR WHICH WE TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY. FURTHERMORE…” Our reporter was unable to finish the interview due to excessive wax build-up which trickled out of his bleeding ears and ruined a pair of Gucci loafers.
Sadly, no one turned up at all when East Sussex hosted Tributron2019, a festival dedicated to the country’s finest tribute band’s tribute bands, in a windswept field near Frant last Thursday. “We’ve lost a lot of money on this,” said Bob Palindrome Tributron2019’s organiser, “I’m very disappointed. Because of the amazing bill we had assembled, we were expecting nothing short of a ticket stampede. In addition to The Australian Pink Floyd’s tribute band Pink Fraud, we had Whyaye Newcastle’s tribute to Yes? No! newcomers The Bootleg-Bootleg Beatles, and any amount of tribute stilt walkers and face painters for the kiddies. I mean fair enough, the torrential rain never let up, and we were situated next to a Quadrilla fracking site, but what on earth is wrong with people?”
Prorogue (n) a paid scoundrel
LA VIE SAUCISSON
We are all worried sick about transport, medicine availability and food shortages after we are dragged out of the EU by this revolting gang of footpads and highwaymen, which prompted me to write to my favourite sausage manufacturer, outlining my concerns about the future of British sausages in a post-Brexit UK. I received the following courteous reply:
Dear Mr. Guano, thank you for your kind enquiry. Our family firm of Bladder, Gonad & Bonemeal have been established as sausage suppliers by royal appointment since 1854. Indeed, Her Majesty Queen Victoria would think nothing of dismissing her kitchen staff, strapping on an apron and frying up for her beloved Albert a couple of his favourite Cumberland Bangers every morning, continuing to do so long after his death in 1861. We recently supplied Lord Pearson, proprietor of Pearson’s Triangles, with a 50ft triangular sausage (you may have seen it featured in their TV publicity campaign), which further strengthened our position in the competitive sausage sector. However, concerning BGB’s post-Brexit future, the current situation is far from clear. If I may quote EU directive 446b (sausages) 2002, where it states clearly that any sausage or black pudding, which may include, or partly include active edible ingredients and which is intended for export to the EU, shall contain not less than 45% nor more than 95% Aran wool, you will understand that this puts us in a very difficult position viz a viz the Irish border, since all of our sausages depend upon this vital constituent.
(MD, Bladder Gonad & Bonemeal, sausage makers to the gentry)
We hope you have enjoyed reading this article. The future of our volunteer led, non-profit publication would be far more secure with the aid of a small donation. It only takes a minute and we would be very grateful.