The column that thinks shorting the pound is the new yoga

MYSELF: A friend of mine told me a very good joke the other night.
READER: A joke! Excellent! I love jokes.
MYSELF: I know you do and you’ll love this one. A bloke walks into a cake shop…
READER: Love it already! A cake shop! Ha ha!
MYSELF: Look, please, I’d rather you didn’t interrupt my flow. A proper joke is all about timing. Timing is everything. I’ll start again: A bloke walks into a cake shop…
READER: Sorry! I didn’t mean to…
MYSELF: Really, you don’t have to apologise. Just shut up until I’ve finished the joke.
READER: OK. Mum’s the word from now on.
MYSELF: Thank you, now where was I? Cake shop. Bloke. Right. This bloke walks in to a cake shop and says to the lady assistant, “Do you have any Gattox?” She replies, “Gattox? What’s that?” “It’s a type of cake.” says the bloke. “Oh,” says the shop assistant, “Perhaps you mean Gateaux?”  “Gateaux?” says the bloke with a quizzical look, “Yes,” she says, “Gateaux, that is how it’s pronounced.“ 
READER: Is that it? Call that a joke? It’s rubbish!
MYSELF: Have you no patience? No that is not it! Can’t you see how I deliberately left a pause, in order to get maximum laughs on the punch line? You’ve ruined the joke.
READER:  Pardon my faux pas! Well, we may as well hear this punch line now, if it’s that good.
MYSELF: OK…so the bloke turns to the shop assistant and says… “Oh, bolleaux.” 
READER: On reflection, it’s probably funnier without the pause.
MYSELF: Maybe you’re right.


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DOG WHISTLE THEFT BAFFLES COPS
Professor Gordon Thinktank, Hastings’ top boffin, has been forced to come up with a device which prevents dogs from hearing very high pitched sounds, after blue-prints for his latest invention, a silent police whistle which only police dogs can hear, was stolen from his secret laboratory. “Burglars seemed to know exactly where to find the plans, which were in a folder on my desk marked Top Secret Plans” the inventor explained, “they appear to have gained entry after I inadvertently published the address of my secret laboratory on my Instagram page, and then accidentally left the front door open when I went shopping.” Police Chief Hydra Gorgon reassured the public: “We have averted a major catastrophe. The criminal fraternity may be in possession of our silent police-whistle technology, but thanks to Professor Thinktank’s rapid decisive action, it will do them no good. Once fitted with these ingenious filter-helmets, our police dogs will be oblivious to illegally generated high-pitched whistling.”

Sausage Life!


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