The column that went to Glastonbury in a brand-new Mercedes with a four storey air-conditioned yurt

READER: So, you’re back from Glastonbury. How was it?
MYSELF: Underwhelming. So much miming. Can’t people play anymore?READER: Miming?
MYSELF: Yes, and I’m not talking about Marcel Marceau
READER: I’ve heard they’re all at it now.
MYSELF: My lips are moving but I’m not saying anything.
READER: Look, it’s not the 60s anymore. Everything’s changed. Pop stars these days lead a hectic, stressful life. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Spotify, it’s a constant nightmare. Surely you don’t expect them to waste any of that valuable time learning to play and sing? Anyway, all the real Glasto action goes on in the smaller tents.
MYSELF: Careful, this is a family newspaper.
READER: You know perfectly well what I mean. I’m talking about the smaller venue tents. Like the Richard Branston Tent, the Goldman-Sachs Tent, or the Karaoke Tent.
MYSELF: Ah, The Karaoke Tent! That’s always been my favourite, although I must say it was a bit of a let-down this year.
READER: How do you mean?
MYSELF: It was full of musicians, actually playing instruments. 
READER: No!
MYSELF: Yes. I went to get my money back but the queue was too long.


INDEPENDENCE DAY: DUMMY SPEAKS
Donald Trump has rejected as “very, very tremendously fake news”, widespread criticism of his July 4th comments about the Anglo-American War of Independence, in which he described how the US revolutionary army “took over the airports.” The President now claims that what he actually said was, “bombed North Korea”, but that the North Korean Secret Service had twisted his words by planting expert ventriloquists amongst his security staff. President Trump has ordered an immediate senate investigation. “Trust me, I am going to get to the gottom of this” he is reported to have said. 


FOR SALE
Owing to the looming threat of a no-deal Brexit, this column has been ordered by the editor to run a short selection of classified ads

Top of the range Howayman Wagawaga 2017: 
All terrain 4WD. Gnome purple. 23,000 on the clock, runs like a dream. Aircon. Full service history. Genuine turtle leather seats. Panoramic high definition digital sunroof. Electronic whitewall tyres. 11 months MOT. First to see will buy. I‘m cutting my own throat here, but I’m prepared to let you drive this beauty away at the bargain basement price of £1,500 ono, due to dead body in boot. 
Dave, name and phone number withheld by request

Gentlemen’s cavalry twills, c. 1977: 
The sturdiest trouser money can buy! Left leg missing. Ideal renovation project or can be broken up for spares. No time wasters. 
PO box 221, Battle
www.thetrouserguy.com

Bored? Can’t seem to concentrate? Master the monocycle the easy way. No more bossy teachers! Now you can learn at your own pace with the Monoquad Method. Start with the full quota of wheels, and as you gain confidence, simply remove them one at a time, repeating the manouvre until you are left with only one wheel. Bingo! You’re monocycling! See how many new friends you’ve got? Now, thanks to the Monoquad Method, you can confidently apply to join the circus, or just simply ride around irritating people.
www.monoquad.org

Free to collector: 
Jar of mixed wood shavings. Ideal conversation piece. Collection only.
W. Churchill, The Houses of Parliament, Sunderland


PREVIEW: ART WITH A CAPITAL R
The Cockroach Gallery Hastings: Buildings-By Invitation Only
The Cockroach is proud to host the UK debut of Podraig Na Hoolahoyle, Dublin’s premier conceptual artist. He emerged, seemingly from nowhere, and proceeded to startle the art world with his unique concept of exhibiting collections of actual buildings which he has identified and collected. His technique is to seek out buildings which he would like to add to one of his collections and then to add them. “Once I have added a building to a collection, it becomes part of my collection and therefore partly mine, in a spiritual sense. Once collected, it can be viewed either separately as an individual building, or juxtaposed with the other buildings in that collection.” 200 lucky invitees will attend this very exclusive private view of his latest collection, Buildings-By Invitation Only, which is made up of buildings he has collected in Queen’s Rd, Hastings. 

“Sometimes my collections feature buildings which are far apart, so that it might take a bus or train journey to fully appreciate the collection en ensemble. For this exclusively private view, I have deliberately curated my collection so that all of the buildings were adjacently situated in the same street as the Cockroach Gallery. In this way, those lucky enough to have been invited to my exclusive and very private view will be able to get around the whole collection fairly quickly before popping back to the Cockroach for some delicious nibbles and free wine. Properly chilled wine, by the way, not like the rubbish at some shows I’ve been to.” 

The Buildings-By Invitation Only A-list exclusively private view is at the Cockroach Gallery, Queens Rd, Hastings, July 15th 

Sausage Life!


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