The column that resembles one of the holy saints dressed as a wolf in sheep’s clothing
READER: Who impressed you the most then?
MYSELF: Mohammed Ali, The Beatles, Martin Luther King……
READER: No, I’m talking about the Tory leadership contest.
MYSELF: Impressed me? As we speak there are only two survivors. One has a surname which is a euphemism for penis, the other has one commonly associated with cockney rhyming slang. I’m torn between them. “Cake, or death?” as Eddy Izzard so presciently put it.
READER: Cake. Every time.
50-FOOT WOMAN FREED
Due to a technicality, police were recently forced to release a criminal suspect, namely the rampaging 50-foot woman suspected of making off with a major part of the pier substructure, some deck chairs and several cars. Police Chief Hydra Gorgon told HIP: “Following a tip from the public we were able to arrest a 50-foot woman in Silverhill. After cautioning, she was extremely cooperative and to her credit, did not deny she was the 50-foot woman we were seeking. Although her explanation that she had mistaken the pier for an airport runway seemed quite genuine, she should, nevertheless have remained under arrest. Unfortunately, we had to release the suspect without charge, due to the fact we didn’t have a cell big enough to bang her up in… I mean…detain her in custody.” Asked whether she thought central government austerity measures were hindering police operations, she replied, “Look at the evidence. The nearest 50-foot cells are in Brighton, 36 miles away. Our resources simply won’t stretch.”
FLATTERY WILL GET YOU NOWHERE
A simmering spat between two opposing societies has erupted once more. The Flat Earth Society and the Flatter Earth Society have clashed publicly over matters of doctrine. Ron Fraud, a spokesman for the Flat Earth Society spoke to our science editor Trevor Gullible: “Up until now we have always maintained that the earth is flat. As flat as a pancake in fact. Recent evidence however has revealed a tiny, almost imperceptible curvature, in the vicinity of Sumatra. This does not mean that we are proposing that the earth, as some fools naively believe, is round. (Yes certain sections of the population actually do believe this.) On the contrary, the slight hump just south of the Malay Peninsula, despite the Flatter Earth Society’s claims to the contrary, merely suggests that the earth is not quite as flat as we at first thought.” Len Scurvy, head of geology at the Flatter Earth Society poo-pooed this idea: “If anything,” he told us, “the earth is steadily getting flatter. Our scientists predict that by 2052 it will have reached critical flatness.”
“Furthermore,” he added, “I would take issue with the current assertion by global warming conspiracy theorists, that the poles at either end are in danger of melting. Global warming would of course be entirely dependent on the earth being globe-shaped, which is the one thing the Flat Earth Society and ourselves can agree is hypothetical nonsense.”
Professor Gordon Thinktank has paid for the following, in order to promote his exciting new bathroom accessory
IT’S YOUR NOSE’S BIRTHDAY!
We all love looking back on our holidays, so stand up and allow us to take you back on an incredible journey through time! Back to that lingering, singular, indefinable smell that haunted your self-catering holiday bathroom. The busted flush that didn’t quite flush. The funny, scuttling sound in the kitchen, near the toilet. What is that smell? Does it stimulate poignant, fragrant memories? It should, because like sights and sounds, smells are a vital component of our memory function. Have you really forgotten the morning after that wild sangria-drinking competition? The one you won? The numb, existential angst followed by that terrible discovery, later, in the shower? – Don’t worry. Now thanks to Toilet Donkey, you can relive those wonderful memories again.
Simply clip the purple Toilet Donkey Filterpak to the inside of your bowl and every time you flush, Toilet Donkey’s unique dispenser delivers precisely the right amount of no se que, allowing you to briefly experience the exhilarating thrill of olfactory Balearic holiday recollection.
New improved Toilet Donkey contains a secret, specially formulated tanning agent, which gradually bronzes you all over during each toilet operation. Toilet Donkey also works through the night, subconsciously teaching you grade 2 flamenco guitar and bullfighting whist you are asleep. Toilet Donkey, by Thinktank Solutions.
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