Bird Guano
The column that resembles one of the holy saints dressed as a wolf in sheep’s clothing

READER: Who impressed you the most then?
MYSELF: Mohammed Ali, The Beatles, Martin Luther King……
READER: No, I’m talking about the Tory leadership contest.
MYSELF: Impressed me? As we speak there are only two survivors. One has a surname which is a euphemism for penis, the other has one commonly associated with cockney rhyming slang. I’m torn between them. “Cake, or death?” as Eddy Izzard so presciently put it.
READER: Cake. Every time.

Due to a technicality, police were recently forced to release a criminal suspect, namely the rampaging 50-foot woman suspected of making off with a major part of the pier substructure, some deck chairs and several cars. Police Chief Hydra Gorgon told HIP: “Following a tip from the public we were able to arrest a 50-foot woman in Silverhill. After cautioning, she was extremely cooperative and to her credit, did not deny she was the 50-foot woman we were seeking. Although her explanation that she had mistaken the pier for an airport runway seemed quite genuine, she should, nevertheless have remained under arrest. Unfortunately, we had to release the suspect without charge, due to the fact we didn’t have a cell big enough to bang her up in… I mean…detain her in custody.” Asked whether she thought central government austerity measures were hindering police operations, she replied, “Look at the evidence. The nearest 50-foot cells are in Brighton, 36 miles away. Our resources simply won’t stretch.”

A simmering spat between two opposing societies has erupted once more. The Flat Earth Society and the Flatter Earth Society have clashed publicly over matters of doctrine. Ron Fraud, a spokesman for the Flat Earth Society spoke to our science editor Trevor Gullible: “Up until now we have always maintained that the earth is flat. As flat as a pancake in fact. Recent evidence however has revealed a tiny, almost imperceptible curvature, in the vicinity of Sumatra. This does not mean that we are proposing that the earth, as some fools naively believe, is round. (Yes certain sections of the population actually do believe this.) On the contrary, the slight hump just south of the Malay Peninsula, despite the Flatter Earth Society’s claims to the contrary, merely suggests that the earth is not quite as flat as we at first thought.” Len Scurvy, head of geology at the Flatter Earth Society poo-pooed this idea: “If anything,” he told us, “the earth is steadily getting flatter. Our scientists predict that by 2052 it will have reached critical flatness.” 

“Furthermore,” he added, “I would take issue with the current assertion by global warming conspiracy theorists, that the poles at either end are in danger of melting. Global warming would of course be entirely dependent on the earth being globe-shaped, which is the one thing the Flat Earth Society and ourselves can agree is hypothetical nonsense.”

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Sausage Life!

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