The column which says you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose
READER: You should be ashamed.
MYSELF: About what?
READER: Issue 125. Picking on Nigel Farage again.
MYSELF: You mean the bit about his shameless plug for the tobacco industry?
READER: Eggs Ackley. All he was doing was pointing out that fags are not as harmful as people think. My gran for instance, smoked 150 untipped Gauloise a day, and lived to be 97.
MYSELF: Just think how much longer she would have lived had she not smoked.
READER: That is a spurious argument. Statistics suggest that you are more likely to be killed by a speeding car than a cigarette.
MYSELF: That would very much depend on how fast the cigarette was travelling.
HAMBURGERS CONTAINED HORSE
Government hygiene inspectors raided the recently reopened Hastings restaurant RIPE earlier this month. The premises were sealed off with ‘scene of crime’ tape and guarded by police officers, as food analysts in white decontamination suits entered the building carrying racks of scientific equipment. Although all refused to comment, we have since been informed by a reliable source that the restaurant, which boasts of serving only food manufactured from fibreglass, is suspected of selling unsuspecting customers fibreglass hamburgers containing fibreglass horse. Manager Norman Rude (72) of St. Leonards, when presented with the evidence, confessed: “Yes, there was an incident with a burger and yes, it did contain traces of fibreglass horse. I mean traces in the sense that the patty enclosed in the fibreglass bun was actually completely composed of fibreglass horse. Since we reopened as Hastings’ only establishment catering exclusively to the fibreglass-eating community, we have been more or less fully booked every night. Although these circumstances were completely beyond our control, our customers were, rightly, unamused. Rumours that this incident, or anyone involved in the management of RIPE, was in any way connected with the recent kidnapping of fibreglass thoroughbred racehorse Gulzar’s Folly from its paddock, are entirely unfounded. I would stress that according to experts, fibreglass horse is no more harmful than fibreglass beef when consumed in moderation”.
MEP BATTLE HOTS UP
Ron Gravy, former head of the right wing British Gravytrain Party (BGP), has decided to throw his hat in the ring in the upcoming European parliamentary elections. “Since the demise of the BGT, which has quite frankly descended into an ill-disciplined rabble since I left, the one thing I have missed is interfering in things which I really couldn’t care less about and inciting hatred and intolerance. This is my chance to finally make a big splash, and to hopefully take a fair selection of society with me when I finally go down in a blaze of glory, like a gallant Spitfire over the sun-dappled English Channel”.
Say goodbye to standing on your head and singing Land Of Hope And Glory, or drinking warm pig’s blood under a pregnant horse. Hastings’ favourite inventor, Professor Gordon Thinktank, has consigned these old wives’ tales to the dustbin, by coming up with what he claims to be the “definitive hiccups cure”, which he hopes will be approved by the General Medical Council in time for the summer. “Hiccups,” the inventor told us, “is a greatly underestimated drain on society. The great tenor Caruso, for example, after a weekend vodka binge in a Turin bar, suffered an attack which lasted over three years. The constant hiccupping rendered him totally incapable of performing live, and every recording from that period contains thousands of hiccups which had to be edited out by skilful audio engineers before it could be released”. The professor, although pressed, refused to reveal details of the cure on the grounds of confidentiality, adding only that the petroleum-based tablets would be available online at www.thinktanksolutions.org/hic and at all branches of Wetherspoons.
By the time you read this, the human version of the Grand National will be over and the surviving contestants, their faces redder than the bottom of a red-bottomed baboon will, having avoided cardiac arrest, be able to dine out on the fact that they competed with one of the most boring narcissists on earth, Mo Farah. Budget restraints this year have meant, sadly, that the introduction of seven-foot fences and water-filled ditches has had to be postponed. Also, since the St. John’s Ambulance Brigade pulled out, anyone who falls over (with the exception of people dressed as nursery rhyme characters, who have been exempted to avoid alarming children), will be shot. The organisers were at pains to point out that the marathon’s sponsors, Pets in a Pickle, are a reputable company which provides health insurance for domestic animals, and should not be confused with Pets in Pickle, a condiments manufacturer which supplies the restaurant trade with chutney made from hamster, goldfish, tortoise, bunny rabbit and kitten.
The Huge Orange Dressing-Gown Festival has announced the latest exciting additions to the line-up for their annual bash in Beyondenden. Comedy duo Smoulder & Burns will headline in the alternative tent, where they will be supported by: Gene Poole & The Eugenics; Jason Hawkwind, (Where’s My Penis? and Oh for a Bucket of Squid); Hastings favourites Meat Raffle, featuring original guitarist Tit Bingo; and new teen sensationsWheelophobic Arsonist Ninja Kleptomaniacs.
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