The column which believes that in the country of the bland, the one-idea’d man is king

READER: Did you see the amazing photo of the black hole?
MYSELF:  I saw it. A very good likeness.
READER: Oh come on, don’t pretend you’re not impressed. This thing is as big as our entire solar system!
MYSELF:  You don’t say. And how big is that?
READER: Nobody likes a smart-arse mister. It’s very big, that’s all I know.
MYSELF:  If that’s not a good enough reason for keeping relations cordial, I don’t know what is.

Howard Canard (39) of Little Pilchinghurst, a self-styled crossword genius, has completed MENSA magazine‘s notoriously arduous Very Difficult Cryptic Crossword. His mother, Daisy, a retired glove restorer, told us: “This is a proud moment. Howard has been doing crosswords ever since we discovered he was a child prodigy, but up until now has never managed to finish one. I did question a couple of the answers, but he assures me that words such as Spillboony and Quagtable are genuine and he’s always been very brainy, so I’m sure they are”.

Howard told us, “This is one of the hardest crosswords there is, and my only regret is that I didn’t finish it before the competition entry deadline of March 14th 2016, or I may have qualified for the first prize of a MENSA pen and tie-clip”.

Hastings’ first drive-in psycho-analytic service, Wind Your Window Down And Tell Me About Your Mother, began its advertising campaign last week, provoking a predictably stormy brouhaha. The following piece of contentious copywriting is what caused all the fuss: Does your psyche resemble a canal full of rusty bicycle frames and dead cats? Do you worry about not being paranoid enough? Do people think you have a Bluetooth headset when you are actually talking to yourself?  Over 300 irate owners of Bluetooth headsets gathered outside the town hall to demonstrate, some of them carrying rusty bicycles and dead cats, which they hurled at Hastings’ Lord Mayor Derek Windfarm after he appeared on a balcony in a bid to calm the situation down. A spokesman for the militant Association of Rabid Social Entropy (ARSE), told our reporter;  “Bluetooth headsets may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but lumping them together with dead cats and abandoned bicycles is, frankly, very unhelpful. ARSE would also like to take this opportunity to point out that not all canals are the filthy repositories of society’s detritus.” 

Several people were arrested and charged with causing a public affray last Saturday outside the Cats Pyjama nightclub in St Leonards. An argument ensued after two men entered the bar dressed as C-Threepio and Chewbacca, characters from Star Wars, and were confronted by giant security robots. Things rapidly escalated when the two men, and several members of staff who sprang to their assistance were incinerated by a blast from the droids’ 300,000 volt electric death guns. “We hold our hands up,” Bob Loaf, the club’s owner told us, “The security robots malfunctioned when their face recognition systems incorrectly identified the chap wearing the C-Threepio outfit as a hostile cyber challenge and they acted accordingly. We have contacted Robocop4S, the security company, who have promised to look into this. Lessons must be learned”. Police were called by alarmed customers who had taken refuge in the cellar and a helicopter containing an armed rapid-response unit attended the scene in less than four hours. “By the time my men got there,” Hastings’ police chief Hydra Gorgon told us, “the situation had calmed down somewhat. The unfortunate casualties, sadly now reduced to piles of smoking ash, were declared dead at the scene by paramedics. After a thorough search of the building, we concluded that the two giant security robots had fled the scene and although we have received a reported sighting of the pair in a Ladbroke’s bookmaker in Silverhill, trying to chat up a fixed odds betting terminal, they are still at large. We strongly urge members of the public not to approach them, particularly when dressed as a cyborg”.

Get bowing immediately and be the life and death of the party! Instant results guaranteed. No need to annoy the neighbours with screechy practicing and boring scales. Imagine – the great classical works and folk evergreens like Paddy McGinty’s Goat and Ahoy for the Wooden-Headed Sailor instantly at your virtuoso fingertips. Just enter your bank details, mother’s maiden name, name of first dog and a recent photograph and we’ll do the rest:

READER: Aren’t you excited about the new series of Killing Eve?
MYSELF: The edgy, award-winning show by that middle class writer with the hyphenated name who isn’t afraid to write about having sex with priests?
READER: That’s the one! What a cast!
MYSELF: Cast? I’ve seen self-assembly furniture that can act better than Sandra Oh. 
READER: I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it.

Sausage Life

We hope you have enjoyed reading this article. The future of our volunteer led, non-profit publication would be far more secure with the aid of a small donation. It only takes a minute and we would be very grateful.