The column which believes that what you lack in empathy you can more than make up for with spiteful malice
MYSELF: Why the short face?
READER: I’m so excited I can’t wait. I’ve just taken out a subscription to Sky TV’s dedicated F1 channel which broadcasts motor racing all day long.
MYSELF: Ah, bliss, what could be sweeter than the sound of a million terrified bees flying around in circles in an underground cave.
READER: You’re such a motor-racist. I will be able to watch every single race in the F1 season! And then there are the studio pundits, and interviews with all the drivers!
MYSELF: Towering intellects every one of them.
READER: I give up. You just don’t know what you’re missing.
MYSELF: Thankfully, I do not. I’m amazed though, that you can afford to fork out so much money when you clearly have such a lot of time on your hands.
READER: I work from home.
BREXIT MEANS HEX IT
Fake magician plans to scupper Brexit using telepathy
The illusionist fork bender and fake psychic, Uri Geller, is appealing to the British public to help him influence the cancellation of Brexit. He is asking us to send telepathic messages directly to Theresa May’s brain. In a letter to the PM, reportedly written using an ordinary non-psychic pen, he has warned that he intends to employ his special powers to prevent the UK from leaving the EU. His plan is to transmit psychic energy into May’s brain twice a day from a secret location (42a, Nostradamus Crescent, Chipping Norton). At 11.11am and 11.11pm (a “very mystical time”), the tableware-menacing windbag will visualise the PM signing a document revoking article 50. He will also visualise her wearing a diaphanous pink negligée and thigh length kitten-heel boots – but this, he says, is his “second choice”.
“What a lot of people are unaware of”, continued the preening guru of gullibility, “is that if we leave the EU, under WTO rules we will be forced to import cheap, unbendable silverware from the USA, which, let’s face it, is half my act ruined”.
He bragged that he had already successfully penetrated Mrs. May, psychically speaking, when she visited his home three years before David Cameron’s hasty defection. “Once inside, I simply projected positive thoughts and bingo! She became Prime Minister,” he told us, “although she did send me a bill for ruining her cutlery”.
ASK DR. GUANO
Unqualified advice for the unsuspecting
My teenage son has taken to wearing a revolting brand of cologne, in what I take to be a desperate bid for sophistication and peer acceptance. Odour du Mal, by Revenge, has a particularly rank smell, reminiscent of cat-tray mixed with rancid goat’s cheese, producing an acrid stench which has a particularly stimulating effect on the vomit reflex. As is the nature of adolescent rebellion, the more I go on about it, the less inclined he is to stop applying it to his body. What am I to do?
Ivy Poisson, Dungsaddling
What you describe is a manifestation of the perfectly normal adolescent desire to smell terrible, which he will grow out of for a few of his
adult years before reverting to type. Until then, you can temporarily stem the odorous tide using this method: In a large barrel, combine 2 kilos horse manure with 5 litres ammonia. Add methane hydrochloride and stir. When the mixture has stopped steaming, carry the boy to the barrel taking care not to wake him and dip him head first into it three times before returning him to bed. The offending smell should disappear within 4 to 5 days. Regretfully, I am not an NHS doctor, so that will be £150.
WHEN THE FUN STOPS, SHOP
Mr. Corbett Leland, CEO of ice cream company Ambler Cornet Ltd and chairman of The Institute for The Institution of the Economic Institute of Strategic Research Foundation (UK), officially opened Hastings’ latest retail outlet Narcissus earlier this month. Its brightly coloured stock is manufactured in Bangladesh where sustainably-sourced orphans fashion garments from Polymorphyloid Asbestolene, a highly inflammable petroleum derivative which glows in the dark. A spokesperson for Narcissus explained: “All our items are completely disposable and should be discarded immediately after one wearing. Exposure to soapy water tends to make them dizzolve”.
Eileen Dodds, an unemployed waitress of Lower Pillhook spent the night in a sleeping bag, ready to pounce on an opening-day bargain as soon
as the ribbon was cut at 9am. “This is exciting news for Hastings, it was well worth the overnight stay on a freezing cold, smelly pavement in order to be first in the queue. It’s practically impossible to buy proper disposable clothes in Lower Pillhook. Everything’s made of wool and cotton, which is so last year. I have been forced to wash and wear clothes for the last twelve months, instead of being able to dump them on the road late at night, next to a recycling point”. Eileen proudly showed me the huge Narcissus designer bag (disposable £40) containing dresses, tops and accessories she had purchased that morning, adding: “I have spent over £11 on cheap, hideous items of clothing today, which I fully intend to throw away the minute they are unwrapped”.
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