The column which thinks that facts are merely irritating obstacles blocking the road to truth
MYSELF: I’m trying to find out who are the world’s most punchable people. That is to say, those whose ubiquitous inventions are neither use nor ornament, and which cause nothing but distress, depression, anxiety and a
feeling of unquenchable violence. People who invent words like upskilling for instance.
READER: I’m not a great fan of the word upskilling myself, but what’s wrong with inventing words? Surely all words are invented anyway?
MYSELF: So true, so true. Faith and Begorrah indeed, so they are, and no mistake.
READER: There you are. Begorrah. What sort of a word is that?
MYSELF: It is a splendid Irish example of what is known as a minced oath, and is derived from By God. You can see the point; it is just a way of disguising your own profanity, or blasphemy.
MYSELF: Cor Blimey – there’s another one, derived originally from God Blind Me. Then there is the phrase Suffering Succotash, which is…….
READER (smugly): Now then, I know this one. It’s a phrase often employed as an expression of frustration by Tweety Pie’s nemesis, Sylvester the Cat,
I think you’ll find that it should be more correctly pronounced Thufferin’ Thuccotash.
MYSELF: Fascinating, but we are straying from the point. After an extensive survey of over nine people, I have concluded that the world’s most punchable person is the man or woman who inflicted upon
us those twin abominations, Plastic Five and Ten Pound Notes. This maniac single-handedly took away the entire concept of folding money, replacing it
with coiled springs which leap out of your pocket the minute you start looking for your keys.
READER: Goldarn it you’re right. I’d punch that feller on the snoot and to heck with the consequences.
MYSELF: Egad, I think you’re getting the hang of it.
ASK GINGER BOY
Global warming, radical international terrorism, and now Brexit – is humanity headed for extinction? Our ace cub reporter and Tunbridge Wells’ vegan rude boy, Shaka Lackaboom aka Gingerboy, the carrot-topped philosopher with the untraceable accent, gave us his finger-on-the-pulse response via twitter: Brexit? WTF FFS LOL? Pardon me French innit, cos we is not gonna hear much of it after we is leavin de EU gnome sane? Nigel Farage an Boris an Jake da Rees-Mogg – dem arl merchant bankers bruv! – Cockney rhyming slangs innit? Dem arl in a massive conspiracy feary wid da Royal Family an da governmens and da Blackpool Illuminati! Just look at all da everdense dude, gnome sane? Gotta go, mum says ma tea is ready. Peace bruv.”
HASTINGS WELCOMES BLANDFEST
The annual one-day celebration of mediocrity from around the world comes to various venues in Hastings in April. Here are just a few of the attractions planned.
At St. Leonards’ favourite lap-dancing centre The Humpty Dumpty Rooms, Scandinavian psychics Lars Ongar and Rita Brevis will be signing copies of their latest book, Don’t Tell Me, I Already Know, as well as giving hot and cold readings, Tarot-based Yoga predictions and horse racing tips. Top TV presenter Hugh Jarse will chair a discussion on the art of the screenplay at Old Town adult nightspot The Cat’s Pyjama, following an invitation-only showing of Holocaustic Soda, Jarce’s low budget disaster movie based on an episode of his former BBC show Top Gear. Crime writer Broccoli Rice-Hearse will appear at the Silverhill branch of Sex Toys R Us, where she will host a Q&A session after reading excerpts from Ominous Triangles, her latest Inspector Twollet whodunnit, in which a Scientologist out on a stag night is found dead in a cheap motel, his head crushed in the jaws of a Corby trouser press.
Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC have shattered their transfer fee record by signing Italian-born prodigy Giorgio Asciugacapelli from league rivals Peasemarsh Antelope FC for a reputed £350. The 17-year-old striker is said to have been offered an unprecedented six-month zero hours contract involving a salary “well in excess of the minimum wage”, a rumour that caretaker manager Nobby Balaclava, the club’s former midfield enforcer, was keen to quell. “Let’s just set the record straight,” he told our reporter, “Despite his 6’ 7” frame, his police record for unprovoked violence and his predilection for class ‘A’ drugs, Giorgio is still a vulnerable teenager. As his in loco parentis custodians, it is our duty to keep him on the straight and narrow, or at the very least the narrow. Showering young players with ridiculous amounts of money at such a tender age is not what this great football club is about. He will be required to turn up at the Warrior Gate training ground every Tuesday morning with the rest of the squad, and we have arranged for him to share a room at the club’s secure accommodation (Mrs McGurk’s Air B‘nB and Nail Bar), with Toto Yamamoto, one of the other foreign lads.”
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