The column which asks: why aren’t children allowed to join the House of Commons straight from school?
READER: I thought they already were.
MYSELF: It was a rhetorical question.
The truth behind some popular misconceptions
MYTH: Money is an essential ingredient in a capitalist-based society.FACT: Nonsense. I recently paid for a short bus journey with a kilo of purple sprouting broccoli.
MYTH: The pope does not need to wash his hands after pooing in the woods because he is infallible.
FACT: The Pope defecates, not in the woods, but in a solid gold toilet in his private apartments in the Vatican, and cleanses himself with toilet paper made from the Dead Sea Scrolls. Germs, which are the devil’s trolls, accumulate on the Pontiff’s hands and may only be removed by nuns using a high-pressure fireman’s hose containing holy water.
Maudlin (v) Playing the Maudle, an Elizabethan wind instrument related to the bagpipe.
Romantic (n) What you got up to in Rome.
A new phone-in feature designed to elicit views straight from the idiot’s mouth
As our first topic, we’re going to discuss the ins and outs of what has become known as Brexit. What is a backstop? What is the dark secret behind David Davis’s gormless grin? Where are the Andes? Over to you. It’s your Bird Call. Our first caller Mrs Celia Molasses of Upper Dicker is on the line. Hello Celia!
CELIA: I’m terribly nervous Bird.
BG: Please don’t be nervous. I’m just like you, except a massively overpaid celebrity.
CELIA: I’m shaking like a leaf. I’ve spilt half my gin already and it’s only eleven o’clock.
BG: Well just try and relax, darling. I don’t bite, except in self-defence. Have you got your radio on by any chance love? I’m getting some buzzing interference on the line.
CELIA: It’s probably my husband’s life support machine. Hang on, I’ll just go and turn it off.
BG: No, just a minute, don’t do that love! Hello? Celia? Oh dear. Right. Let’s have our next caller please, Mr. Reg Knowles is calling from Beyondenden. What’s your Brexit beef Reg?
REG: Hello Mr Guano. Your listeners might know me better as Reg ‘Grassy’ Knowles, an initial suspect in the investigation into the assassination of John F Kennedy in 1963.
BG: That’s fascinating. Call me Bird by the way, and welcome to the show. May I call you ‘Grassy’?
REG: No you may not. I hardly know you. I’m calling about the appalling odour of young people nowadays. You get on a bus and all you can smell is Lynx and high energy drinks. Just tell me this: whatever happened to wind-up gramophones and dark green wallpaper with parrots? And saluting AA men? I myself wear false armpits, which you can put in the washing machine (60 degrees), and now I hardly offend anyone.
BG: Well that’s very interesting sir, but today’s discussion was about Brexit, and…
CELIA: Hello? … Hello?
REG: Who’s that?
BG: Thank you Reg, great call … Celia! That’s a much better line dear. How’s your husband?
CELIA: Let’s just say he’s in a better place, Bird. This Brexit business would have killed him.
Horrible interference like kittens falling into a cauldron of boiling custard.VOICEOVER: We appear to have temporarily lost the transmission for Bird Calls. We apologise. In the meantime, here is a drawing of
a piece of music.MUSIC: Nude descending staircase by Marcel Duchamp
Ealing Cat People
(2019, Dir: Todd Guy)
This US remake of Hideo Izzymoto’s The Emperor’s Daughter fails on many levels. To say that its original setting, the bleak, tyrannical island of Osaka during the cruel Tang dynasty, fails to translate to the 21st century would be a titanic understatement. Shot entirely on location in Los Angeles, one is never entirely convinced, despite the signposts to Ealing Broadway station scattered amongst the stretch limos and open top tours of famous Hollywood stars’ homes, that one is in a leafy West London Suburb. The normally reliable Ralph Bormpuddle puts in a wooden performance as Brad Kentuckian, the travelling shoe salesman with a penchant for living above his means, who gets on the wrong side of Chico Pachooka, the Mr Big of local Latino crime syndicate The Cats, unconvincingly played by ex-crime syndicate boss Enrico Enchilada.
SURVIVAL OF THE FLATTEST
Hastings Flat Earth Society has been awarded the coveted Plaque D’Idiots by the Paris-based Institut de Bêtise. Spokesman Ken Sideboard of Silverhill told us: “We couldn’t be more proud, especially after beating our arch-rivals, The Flatter Earth Society, to the prize. We were planning a huge celebration party, but some members of our committee, who are currently on holiday in South America, haven’t responded to our emails. We are beginning to think they may have fallen off.”
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