The column which demands a return to uncivilised values

An enterprising vegan butcher has opened a pop-up shop in Silverhill. Stanislav Waikiki’s Meat is Manslaughter will sell a range of items, including vegan pork chops, vegan sheep’s brains and vegan tripe – all made from goose feathers, soya beans and a rare, marrow-like vegetable cultivated in Wales called Pwelleriac, examples of which have been known to resemble the face of Ant McPartland. “Everyone’s a vegan now, let’s face it,” Mr Waikiki told HIP, “but in my opinion it’s just a passing fad, like The Twist, or Brexit. I mean, how long it will last is anybody’s guess but I’ll certainly be keeping my options open. Until this craze has run its course, you can count on me to soya-milk it to the max”.

READER: I’m going vegan.
MYSELF: Really? Since when?
READER: Since I read about it in The Daily Mail.
MYSELF:  Which means it must be true.
READER: Exactly. No more bacon sandwiches or fish and chips for me.
MYSELF:  What about leather shoes?
READER: You can’t eat leather shoes…..can you?
MYSELF:  Not unless you are Charlie Chaplin in his classic 1925 silent film The Gold Rush, but if you are vegan, you will be required to stop wearing them.
READER:  What? There was no mention of that in The Mail. If you think I’m going to Lidl in my bare feet you’re quite mistaken. I’m calling the whole thing off.
MYSELF: A great loss to the vegan movement, but very wise under the circumstances.

The recent shock news that The Archers, the UK’s longest running radio soap, is written by an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters, will come as no surprise to Hastings’ most famous inventor, Professor Gordon Thinktank. For the past three years he has been working with the BBC on a method of replacing the outdated method, which relies on a constant supply of monkey typists. “My latest experiments use a revolutionary algorithm-based application which is able to replicate the farming community of Ambridge with uncanny accuracy,” he told us, “without producing the irritating bursts of random dialogue which the monkeys often cough up. Simian diversity means that the writing team can easily comprise infinite numbers of Baboons, Gorrillas or Orangutangs – you can imagine how distracting that might be”. The professor showed me a script marked ‘The Archers: synopsis of episode 18702’, which, he said, was written largely by an ill-tempered species of Macaque from Gibraltar. Peggy Archer and Jennifer Aldridge, it read, are at a Casino in Las Vegas, where they bump into Eddy and Alf Grundy, who are plotting to murder Kenton Archer with a sawn-off shotgun. “At that stage”, said Thinktank, “the producer would have had the monkeys returned to the writer’s cage until they came up with something more acceptable. Using my application, all the characters would be located safely in Ambridge, unarmed and innocently engaged in their normal activities, such as sheep castrating or planning this year’s pantomime (Waiting For Godot – the Musical) in the back bar of The Bull.”

Brexiteer (n) medical condition brought about by clamping both hands on either side of the head and singing “lalala”.
Tripadvisor (n) qualified expert who can explain the correct way to fall over.
Remoaner (n) UK hit for The Bachelors, which reached the No. 4 spot in the charts during a 13-week stay in 1964.

Saveloy lovers – this week’s saveloy offer comes complete with a three week subscription to What Saveloy? and a set of saveloy forks. These are exciting times for the saveloy, which, thanks to Brexit, is destined to become the sausage of choice for Brits when we are finally freed from the EU’s barmy sausage regulations, which insist that all sausages should contain edible meat.

Season one of Denmark’s The Shed  (“Det Skuret”) is the latest Scandicrime series currently keeping the Netflix binge-watchers up all night. Briefly, Falsk Herre (played by Bjørt Urene) a feisty Detective Chief Inspector with the Lukket Mølle police force, is looking forward to retirement when he reluctantly agrees to take charge of the investigation into the sudden appearance of a log cabin on the jetty of the popular resort’s lakeside health spa. His suspicions are immediately aroused by the fact that the mystery erection lacks windows or doors, and that the local council has received no planning application for it. At first, locals believe it to be a sauna, but further investigation fails to support that theory. Soon the local fire brigade becomes involved, and with heavy lifting equipment, they try to force an entry, but the shed proves surprisingly resistant. Hopes are raised, and then dashed, when flamboyant local Fire Chief Kristian Guldbil (Lars Laårssen) arrives in his golden fire engine, only to be tragically trampled to death under the hooves of a herd of stampeding elks whilst relieving himself behind some Christmas trees.

Sausage Life!

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