The column which, without proper maintenance, would collapse under the weight of its own self-importance.


Since the humiliating departure of no-nonsense shoot-from-the-hip, messiah complex manager Franco Machiavelli, widely blamed for Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC’s inexorable plummet to the bottom of the Nuclear Waste Disposal Solutions League (South), caretaker manager Nobby Balaclava, the club’s ruthless midfield enforcer, has led the team to four successive narrow defeats, a club record. Last Saturday’s 0-7 loss to Herstmonceaux Cannibals was a case in point.
“I’m proud to be associated with this great club,” Nobby told us the morning after the match when we met up at The Withered  Spoon, over the pub’s famous All Day Hard Brexit – a pint of cider, two shots of sambuca, a margarita and a lightly boiled egg, (£7-75 with a complimentary muffin). “To be fair, the result has delighted the fans. Once we conceded that seventh, I got the lads to revert to an 11-0-0 system with a flat back 10. Our goalie, Tim Smegma did a great job considering he couldn’t see any of the play and we kept it down to a respectable 7-0. So far this season we have failed to concede less than eight goals per game. If we continue this positive trajectory we could be losing by as little as 2-0 or 3-0 come the 2023/24 season. That’s progress whichever way you crumble the cookies”. As we were leaving, Nobby borrowed a marker pen from a barmaid and kindly scribbled next week’s team selection on the bald  head of the unconscious man at the next table. After punching a waiter and running upstairs, he climbed out of the window of the Spoon’s immaculate toilets and was later tasered by police. I managed to capture this exclusive preview of next Saturday’s squad with my smartphone:

Hashtag (Goal), Buttlift, Bingowing, Chemtrail, Lol (WTF), Zeitgeist, Smileyface, Hedgefund, Flatwhite, Roules (WTO). Subs: Romcom, Troll, Onesie, 


Nevermindland, at Hastings Arena, stars Bert Lord as Pier Pan, the boy who wouldn’t grow up,  and Adam Seagull as Captain Hokum, the one-eyed pirate who claims he had his hand bitten off by a crocodile but everyone knows it is up his sleeve. Though X-factor winner Kandy B is mesmerising as Windy, the irresponsible child-minder who flies off with Pier Pan, the indisputable show-stealer is mischievous fairy Tinkerballs. Played by Eastenders’ Rambo Udder, she flits around the stage like an excited moth, colliding with spotlights and scenery alike on her unquenchable quest for validation. 


During a recent PMQs, Iain Duncan Smith, the minister for cruel sports rejected suggestions that a hard Brexit might result in blocked channel ports and a 50-mile tailback of lorries filled with dying sheep. “Hasn’t anyone heard of the Dunkirk spirit?” he hectored braying backbenchers, “I call upon anyone with a seaworthy vessel, even if it is just an inflatable canoe or a kitchen sink with the plughole blocked up, to do your bit for Queen and country. Let our plucky little offshore tax haven show these eurocrats that Britannia still rules the waves with an iron fist. Last one across the channel is a rotten egg!”

Mr. Grayling, the Minister for Naked Ambition, interjected, saying that what Team Brexit required was a conglomerate of greedy businessmen prepared to accept millions of pounds of public money and make massive promises without having the slightest intention of fulfilling them. “Look at Hannibal,” he demanded, “they laughed when he suggested crossing the Alps with outsourced elephants. But who’s laughing now”? As he paused to milk the puzzled silence, the Prime Minister pounced. Standing up and strapping on a huge red nose, Mrs. May provoked 3-minutes of uproarious faked laughter from the Tory benches by claiming to have once pulled a Christmas cracker containing the riddle: “What do you get when you cross the alps with some elephants?” However, when pressed by Jeremy Corbyn for the answer, she replied disappointingly: “We will be leaving the European Union at 11 o’clock on the 11th of November 1918”.

Clear, unqualified advice for the constantly confused.

Dear Wendy,
I seem to have put on an awful lot of weight during the Brexit negotiations, and I am increasingly concerned that our departure from the EU is going to leave me beached, like an abandoned one-man submarine. Do you have any dietary advice?
Tallulah Bunkbed, Lilliput.

Dear Tallulah, 
First the good news. Virtually all fattening food will be unavailable after Brexit, unless you are a hedge fund manager. Dieting will simply be a matter of course, about which you have no choice. Try this daily menu for a slimmed-down 2019, which I guarantee will turn you into a svelte, sylph-like silhouette, able to slip silently into any room, even when the door is barely ajar.

Breakfast: 200gs Marmite (no toast). Lunch: Small Potatoes drizzled with nothing at all. Tea: Hard cheese. Dinner: Austere fry of run-over squirrel with roasted acorns and low-fat lard. 

Sausage Life!

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