The column which avoids metaphor because when you are trying to sell someone a rudderless ship, it’s best not to mention the leaky lifeboats

READER: Black Friday! I’m so excited!
MYSELF: I imagine you are. What kind of bargain are you looking for?
READER: Anything really, as long as it’s cheaper than when it was overpriced.
MYSELF: According to Black Friday-Now Is The Hour Of Our Discount Tent, one of 10,000 flyers recently crammed through my letterbox, flat screen TVs seem hugely popular with bargain-obsessed idiots.
READER: They were at the top of my list!
MYSELF: Along with?
READER: Along with … erm … I hadn’t really finished my list actually.
MYSELF: How about a pair of high definition night vision binoculars with built-in drone integration and pre-installed Grand Theft Auto? A snip at £750, reduced from £799.99. Or a solid gold golf hat?
READER: Now you’re talking. Something exotic, yet practical.
MYSELF: Exactly. Although you do realise Black Friday was last Friday don’t you?

Mystery businessman, Russian emigré Vladimir Nokov, who made his money by cornering Russia’s laundrette market after perestroika, appears to have revised his ambitious plans for the construction of a rival five-kilometre-long pier in Hastings. At a press conference, asked why he planned to re-situate the proposed new pier from the sea front to an area of outstanding natural beauty on the outskirts of Bexhill, he replied, “It’s a no-brainer. Have you seen those waves?”
Nokov, known in Russia as ‘The Laundryman’, is convinced there will be support for a landlocked pier.
“Think about it. Point 1: A coastal pier, exposed to the sea all day, and for all I know, all night, will be vulnerable to rising damp. Nobody likes rising damp, which can end up being very costly. With an inland construction, damp-related expenses could be kept to the bare minimum. Point 2: Visitors to the pier will be able to drive up to either end, where they will discover ample multi-level car parking, a small drive-in responsible gambling centre and affordable snacks.
Obviously the pier will now have to be somewhat shorter than my original plan, but by ditching the private jet runway, halving the number of animatronic stampeding elephants and utilizing the water-free lower deck I can squeeze in twice as many family-friendly casinos”.

MY CAT by Randolph Pollock. 

Pollock is an author and professor of biscuits at Quorn College, Upper Dicker. His work includes The Laundry Maid’s Verukka, A Question of Milk and No Pants For Douglas.

My cat is yellow
and very very
We built a flap on the door
which he can ooze in an out of.
That’s why we call him Pus.

The Spice Girls are reforming. Silly Spice, official spokesperson for the national musical treasures, granted us an exclusive interview. Chain smoking Malborough Lites throughout, Silly told us through gritted teeth: “This reunion comes just in time – Girl Power will reunite the country after all this Brexit bollocks, pardon my French. As you know, me, Sneezy, Happy and Skinty, have always been like well political and with the ‘me too’ movement and stuff, we feel the time has come to join in and make some dosh out of it. Theresa May – who is a woman by the way – has already asked us to write a song commemorating this great leap forward, and Bob, the guy who does all our songwriting, is on it like a Shakespeare sonnet!” When we asked whether Grumpy Spice, the footballer’s wife who always looks as though she is having a selfie, will be joining the girls on tour, despite rumoured artistic and personal differences, she laughed, stubbing the cigarette out on her arm and lighting up another. “Hahaha,” she said unconvincingly. “Nasty is far too busy promoting VD, her shitty perfume which smells like cat poo, and having herself tattooed with pictures of her stupid husband, Ron Statue, the golden-balled airhead. Of course we’re still friends! If you want to know if the miserable cow is going to appear, you’ll just have to buy a ticket – if there are any left!” Taking his cue, and a pair of complimentary tickets, our reporter made his excuses and left.

From the 2018 Guano Xmas Gift Catalogue
For Dad: A home crystal meth laboratory with 2 pairs Armani Y-fronts.
For Mum: Burberry, leather, lead-lined hog-slaughtering apron in scarlet or plum.
For Sis: Autographed, David Ike mood-swing meditation crystals containing ancient Sanskrit bath salts in lizard-skin presentation case.
For Grandma: Jimmy Choo, spike heeled dominatrix boots with concealed razor attachment.
For Grandpa: Samsonite, Greek cheese-poisoning travel kit (Halloumi or Feta).

Dear Wendy,
a). Are there such things as ghosts? And b). If so,
where can I get one?
Marjorie Daw, Cockfield

Dear Marjorie,
a). Yes, there are.
b). The Priory Meadow Retail Afterlife Centre.

Sausage Life!

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