By Bird Guano
The column which frequently looks at gift horses, but not necessarily in the mouth
MYSELF: Have you ever had PPI?
READER: As a matter of fact I have. A particularly bad strain as it happens, which tends to recur during the spring equinox or when Venus is aligned with Pisces and making a noise like a chicken. I caught it during a skiing holiday in Malta.
MYSELF: Malta? Are you sure? I’m pretty sure you can’t go skiing in Malta.
READER: You can’t. The whole trip was a disaster. I didn’t read the small print.
MYSELF: A lesson we can all learn. What are the symptoms of PPI anyway?
READER: Runny nose, aching joints, existential angst and the urge to lash out at someone with whatever comes to hand.
MYSELF: The reason I ask is because I recently received this letter, titled “Have You Ever Had PPI?” It was handwritten with a quill pen in green ink on 300gm violet-tinted rice paper which reeked of Eau de Cheval by Hugo Boss:
Dear fill in name here,
Not everyone can be astute, alert or even mildy intelligent. That is no reason to miss out on free money and where free money is concerned, you need look no further! Just relax, put your feet up, pour yourself a beer and let us do all the work. In practically no time at all, free cash will be pouring into your bank account like honey, once terms and conditions have been applied (no need to strain your eyes on the small print!). Listen! Can you hear that lovely happy tune? Everyone enjoys whistling, particularly when it is barely recognizable as an actual tune, and is accompanied by the ukulele played in the style of Mr. George Formby. We at Bevell Cruick & Windfall, take our responsibilities as guardians of your household budget very seriously, which is why we decided to write to you in case you hadn’t heard any of our desperate radio commercials. If you’d like us to send you a small percentage of what has been stolen from you by crooked swindling banks, all you have to do is fill in our simple online questionnaire and tick the box allowing us to sell on your details to a variety of other financial service providers and ambulance chasers.
READER: Sounds like a win-win, no-fee situation, what are you waiting for?
MYSELF: Godot or someone like him.
Here’s a question for you. What commoner and resident of this borough, with no entitlement to a seat in the upper house at Westminster, either for reason of heredity or by conferred honours, decided to bestow upon himself the counterfeit title of “Lord” in order to maximise his profile, whilst at the same time presenting himself as a ridiculous, overblown buffoon in order to provide everyone with a good larf? Answer at bottom of page (*).
Members of the Hastings community are up in arms at the announcement that the Walk-in Medical Centre at Station Plaza is to be closed. News that the 24 hour appointment-free service is to be relocated to Alice Springs in the Northern Territory of Australia, and renamed The Walkabout Centre has dismayed many users. Hastings’ councillor Bruce Gallah claimed that the move was unavoidable due to stringent government cuts which have already curtailed many services formerly considered essential. Next to go, according to the ex sheep farmer, will be life-enhancing innovations such as gluten-free yoga classes for under fives, homeopathic loft insulation and spiritual hangover wellfullness. “But Jeez, I mean fair suck of the lemon,” he told us, “Alice Springs is a bonzer place for jumbucks, but if a bloke just wants to throw a sickie ‘cos he’s feeling a bit crook after a night on the grog, a trip to the outback is the last thing I’d recommend”.
“It’s bad enough having to go to the Conquest, never mind all the way to Australia” said glove restorer Wilf Strindberg of St Leonards, “For starters I can’t afford the time off work, which, when you take into account getting to the airport, 27 hours each way and the inevitable jet lag, would mean over a week per visit. I could practically get an appointment in that time! Even though I can’t really afford it, I’m now seriously considering going private and consulting a shamanic soothsayer”.
Morrisons supermarket wishes to apologise for the slight kink in the fabric of space and time which has occurred in its Hastings branch, where we can assure you things will soon
be back to normal. For the moment, bacon has been temporarily moved to aisle 23, on the shelf marked ‘shoe polish’. Mushrooms have been moved from the pharmaceutical section, and can now be found next to countersunk screws in the aisle labelled ‘halloween costumes’. Milk, you will be pleased to note, is still in the same place (!), except for semi-skimmed which is now in the same section as frozen fish, and organic skimmed, which can be found on the cheese island. Happy Shopping!
The Saudi Arabian Football Federation (SAFF) has announced that in future, referees will no longer be beheaded at the end of the game. “It’s an old Saudi tradition, which has fallen out of step with current mores”, said SAFF’s president Wacka Jawacka.
*The late Screaming Lord Sutch, founder and sole candidate of The Monster Raving Loony Party
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