BY Bird Guano

The column which makes its bed but often forgets to lie in it

READER:  That’s a ridiculous headline. Where are you going to go with that?
MYSELF:  The trouble with you is, you have no patience.
READER: …as the disappointed accountant said to the unsuccessful doctor.
MYSELF: I see what you did there. That’s actually quite funny, for you.
READER: I can be spontaneously witty sometimes.
MYSELF: I know! I think I’m about to bust my braces laughing!
READER: Really?
MYSELF: No. Listen buster, I’ll do the punchlines. All you have to do is keep a straight face.
READER: Thanks, but are you going tell me what this story is about?
MYSELF: Nothing to tell really. Just another sad tale of a starling that got a bum rap.
READER: That’s tragic.

The two men suspected of organising the systematic theft of the plastic tops of ball point pens from Hastings stationery shops have made a dramatic appearance on a local online TV show. The suspects, identical twins Bob and Wagner Tupperware of Bexhill, have so far eluded arrest, despite having been identified from CCTV pictures by a top secret undercover police operation codenamed Operation Ball-Point Pen.

The pair were interviewed by our investigative reporter Rob Dulle on Bexhill’s “Total-BexhillTv” channel, where they turned up unannounced to protest their innocence. At one point they claimed to be “just day-trippers to Hastings, with absolutely no interest in the plastic tops of cheap pens”.

However, when confronted with police video evidence, Bob (43) confessed, “Yes, that’s us on W.H.Smith’s CCTV. But on my life we was only browsing postcards of Hastings, and studying interesting historical booklets”.

“Absolutely,” chimed in Wagner (37), the taller and darker twin, “We was fascinated by Hastings and its famous castle, originally a wooden tower built on top of a man-made mound or motte, which was surrounded by an outer courtyard or bailey.”

“We was desperate to see its magnificent crenelated arches,” added Bob.

Asked to explain the clear video footage showing them removing the tops of ball-point pens and concealing them in a hollowed out pumpkin disguised as a baby in a pushchair, Bob said, “Yes, it looks bad, but our solicitor has assured us that there is a perfectly legal loophole which we would be unwise not to exploit, provided we keep schtum.”

“Mum’s the word”. agreed Wagner.

Hastings’ police chief Hydra Gorgon dismissed the TV appearance as a “publicty stunt” and a  “mockery of justice”, describing the Tupperwares as “Fake twins, long suspected
of organising the systematic
theft of ball-point pen tops throughout Sussex and Kent. Anyone with even a limited knowledge of Hastings’ famous castle will tell you that its arches, although magnificent, are not crenelated, That, in my detective’s opinion, is enough grounds for an arrest”.

Inappropriate advice for the lovelorn and lonely hearted

Dear Wendy, although I am neither lovelorn nor lonely hearted, I feel confident that you can offer me some solice. My dilemma is this: I recently bumped into a very nice chap in my local pub, The Crown and Anarchist, who told me he was an experienced investment broker and hedge fund manager. He persuaded me to invest my life savings of £100,000, in something called cocoa futures, but I was too embarrassed to ask what they actually were. If you could see your way to give me, in layman’s terms,  a thorough rundown on cocoa futures, I would be happy to cut you in on any profits. Also, on another matter entirely; which loudspeakers would you recommend for my hi-fi system; a Quad 404 amplifier fronting a triple vacuum-enclosed Barnes & Wallace ergonomic steam turntable with a 125 gram Radclffe suspended platinum and brass cartridge, fitted with a sustainably-sourced gluten-free stylus?
Cuthbert Antrobus, Battle.

Dear Cuthbert, whilst not claiming to be a financial expert, I can tell you that cocoa futures are a fool-proof way of making pots of money without ever having to do anything. Let me explain. Simply taking a bull-spread binary option whilst hedging anonymity on any stop-loss protection tranches is all very well if the stock proves to be a potential multi-bagger. My advice is to buy up an offer on a margin, and then purchase a 4-call option to provide additional leverage on the unit trusts. All Long-term Equity Anticipation Securities will expire immediately afterwards, providing you short your put-options before the ex-dividend date. I hope I have cleared that up.

Regarding your additional Hi-Fi question; I would have no hesitation in pointing you towards a pair of Pooter & Wynne HF42 concrete-based Croissants with diametrically opposed thumb tweeters, mid-range hooters and low frequency waterproof crossovers. At £31,950 each they are a snip.

Sausage life!

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