Trying to keep down appearances

A PLAGUE OF LOCUMS
Armies of retired GPs are to be marshalled in order to cope with Covid-19. Dubbed Dad’s Doctors their efficacy has been thrown into doubt by GP leaders who have warned that retired doctors are likely to be among “the most at risk” from contracting the virus. “Furthermore”, added BMA representative body chair, Dr Helena McKeown, “bearing in mind many retired doctors’ ages, we must consider their own wellbeing and whether they would be putting themselves at risk by returning to work.” Prime Minister Boris Johnson reassured the public: “Coronavirus may very well be a challenge in the weeks and months ahead. But I have no doubt that this great nation, this Perfidious Albion, will, under the firm stewardship of yours truly, much like we did on the beaches, in the streets and on the hills under Mr. Churchill, cheerfully defeat Hitler’s Narzies and get through it – we will never surrender. Netflix, which will soon replace the treacherous BBC as our national broadcaster, is currently casting for Dad’s Doctors, a public information series already in pre-production. The catchy theme tune, Who Do You Think You Are Killing Mr. Virus?  will soon be sneezing its way up the UK charts.”


KOREA POLITICIANS
It appears from recent press photographs that Kim Yo-jong, the sister of diminutive North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, is attempting to emulate the sneering, empathy-free catwalk style of our own Priti ‘Vacant’ Patel. Kim’s efforts are convincing but lack the psychopathic self-assurance necessary to achieve that rictus expression of cruel, smug certainty worn so defiantly by our besieged Home Secretary. This will only come from practical experience. On the other hand, Ms Yo-jong will have all the time in the world to practise. After all, as a bona fide member of the dynastic North Korean faux aristocracy, she will never have to worry about unpopularity, nor any criticism of her aptitude, her attitude or her actions. In this little sister’s domain, press and public opprobrium is politely discouraged by the threat of kidnap, incarceration, torture and execution.


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