DUMB AND DUMBER
According to some polls, Nigel Farage’s hastily arranged Brexit Party is set to clean up at the EU election. Ghastly superannuated windbag Ann Widdecombe has come out of her woollen-lined cocoon to support the beer-swilling Frog King’s latest bid for MEP stardom, claiming we have the “Worst Parliament since Oliver Cromwell”, which she probably remembers as though it were yesterday. Should they be elected, both of these moronic saboteurs will receive nice salaries from the EU, as well as generous allowances. Isn’t it amazing what a relentless ego and a bountiful sack of euros will get you to say?


OH DANNY BOY!
So hubris has finally caught up with Danny Baker, the professional gobshite sacked by the BBC for tweeting something spectacularly unamusing. The often overlooked point about Baker is that he is rarely, if ever, funny. His latest “joke” is a perfect example. Chimpanzee dressed up as a human = funny? Even Brooke Bond, the colonial tea people, finally realised that the air had run out of that particular tyre. Danny Baker is a smug, narcissistic buffoon, with a long history of career debacles and should really have stuck to his forté, which is asking his listeners to guess whether famous people would prefer brown or red sauce on their sausage sandwiches.


WHY BRITS WON’T PICK FRUIT
Many elaborate conspiracy theories have been blamed on this phenomenon, such as the fact that fruit can have a debilitating effect on the brain. It is worth noting that Conference Pears, for instance, are well known for causing amnesia in hedgehogs.


TROLLYTOWN
Like that astounding statistic regarding the percentage of US citizens who believe they have been abducted and anally probed by aliens, many local people are still under the impression that our pier is in safe hands.  Is this one of the many effects of chemtrails? Like the habit of identifying people who disagree with you as “trolls”, when they are in fact, just people who disagree with you. You may have noticed that there are now more “trolls” than ever, possibly due to the avalanche of totally unfounded nonsensical bollocks posted on social media by people with nothing better to do. Perhaps they are ‘chemtrolls’?


BIN IT, INNIT?
European cities and towns, as a rule, are comparatively litter-free. In Hastings, as well as other UK towns, councils have introduced recycling points, which in Lobbytroll’s area are used by the locals for fly-tipping. CCTV and crippling fine warnings are posted on the side of the points, but no prosecutions ever result because, after an enquiry, we discover that, like the pier, no such CCTV arrangement exists. I am afraid that the inevitable, unfortunate conclusion is that we have become a nation of lazy and culturally psychopathic litter louts.


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