In an attempt to blind us with the science of words, cheap beer magnate Tim Martin made the Hastings branch of Wetherspoons (Trip Advisor’s “third worst Wetherspoons in Sussex” according to the Hastings Observer), one of his dog whistle-stops in support of Nigel Farage’s rabble-rousing tour of England promoting the “benefits” of a hard Brexit to his “people’s army.” The gammon-complexioned alcohol salesman managed to work the assembled audience (most of them clutching 10am “fresheners” it has to be noted), into a frenzy of Brexitement, enough for some of them to shout down opposing views with an anger they had long ago forgotten they possessed. Due to address one of Farage’s Trump-style rallies in October, Martin was alas, unable to fulfil the engagement having been struck by a tummy bug. It is not known whether he had dined at one of his immaculately-toileted booze barns the previous night, but it should be stressed that the suggestion that this could have had any effect whatsoever on his delicate digestion should be, like a Wetherspoons bar tab, thoroughly discounted.

The latest coverage of the Hastings pier crisis was, despite appearing in The Daily Mail, a welcome national story about a local issue. Speaking to Mail journalist David Jones, the owner of the locked up pier trotted out a familiar list of personal clichés and accusations in his own inimitable, unstructured way. This can be somewhat disconcerting, so, for our readers, here is a simple catechism to clear things up once and for all.

1. Who are the real friends of Hastings?
There is only one real friend of Hastings.
2. When is a car not made of solid gold?
When it is covered in golden wallpaper.
3. Who is a multi-millionaire these days, what with all the taxes you have to pay?
Maybe a bank robber.
4. What is planning permission?
An unnecessary council regulation, which should be ignored.
5. How many days a week is it necessary to work?

Seven. One more than God worked when he made the entire world.

6. What best describes those who would disagree with one’s intentions?
An unruly mob who would like the pier to be run on ‘donations, grants and government handouts’ and ‘want everything for free’.

7. What feminine matrimonial asset might be deemed essential when
residing in a hotel’s bridal suite?

A bride.

8. What is the correct place to put money?
Where the mouth is.

9. What is the proper name for an outbreak of fire caused accidentally
by an electrical fault?


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